Mike came by this weekend to spend some time with Hailey. He was evicted from his apartment about a month ago and is staying with friends. I don’t want Hailey over at his temporary residence so I told him he could come here to visit with our daughter. Mike’s only mode of transportation is his motorcycle, so he asked if I would drop the two of them off at the zoo on Saturday morning and pick them back up when they were done. I agreed so off we taxied to the zoo, I dropped them off, and came back home to do laundry. Not 45 minutes after I dropped them off I get a phone call from Hailey. She was crying that she wanted me to come and pick her up. I got Mike on the phone and asked him if I needed to come get them or if he had the situation under control. He said he wanted me to come and pick them up as soon as I could get there.
By the time I drove down to the zoo, Hailey had calmed down but it was obvious from looking at her that she was upset about something. As I headed back to the apartment I asked Mike what had happened. Mike and Hailey had stopped for lunch at one of the little restaurants at the zoo, when he decided to break some news to her. Mike isn’t particularly tactful so he basically just blurted it out. Hailey I’m moving to Minnesota.
Hailey, naturally was confused at first. She’s 4 years old, she doesn’t know where Minnesota is. When she didn’t really give him any sort of response to that, he decided to go into a little more detail. He explained that he was going to live in a new home in a state that wasn’t near ours. That he wouldn’t be able to see her every other weekend like he did now. That he wouldn’t be able to see her as much as he wanted to, but he would try to come back whenever he can. At that point Hailey had hung her little head and started to cry. The more Mike explained, the worse it got until Hailey asked if she could call me. I had a running commentary going through my mind the whole time that Mike was telling me what happened, questions I wanted to ask and things I wanted to say, but I had to wait until Hailey was not near us.
We arrived at my apartment and I settled Hailey down with her “Movie du jour” and asked Mike to step out on the patio with me. Now perhaps it wasn’t any of my business, but I felt that he owed me an explanation. He told me that he had met some woman online and chatted with her for a little while, drove to Minnesota one of the weekend he didn’t have Hailey to visit, decided he liked it and would be moving in with this woman. I was dumbfounded and it certainly must have showed on my face because he asked me what my problem was. I told him I couldn’t believe that he would put some strange woman before his own child, and asked him to leave my apartment. He asked if he could come the next morning (Sunday) before we left for church as he was heading out that day for his Minnesota adventure.
Part of me wanted to scream ASSHOLE at the top of my lungs and scratch his eyes out, but the other part of me over ruled (thankfully) and I agreed that he could come back on Sunday to say good-bye. I spent the rest of the evening trying to explain to Hailey how things would be changing, that she would still get to talk to Daddy on the phone, or could send him emails but it was going to be just her and Mommy from now on. She cried a little more, and then asked to sleep with me that night. I couldn’t refuse her so we cuddled up in my bed, and fell asleep holding hands.
Sunday morning rolled around and my beautiful daughter was dressed to the nines to attend the 10AM Mass. Mike rolled up on his motorcycle at about 9 to spend some time cuddling Hailey before he rode off into the sunset. I settled Hailey into her carseat and she called out “See you when we get home from Church, Daddy.” I reminded her that this would be the last time she would see Mike for awhile, that he was moving to a new home. She poked out that lower lip, which quivered a little bit, but she didn’t cry. I shut her door and looked Mike in the eye.
**warning, profanity ahead**
“You make me sick.” I stated.
“Me? Why?” he questioned.
“Because you’re choosing some whore over your own daughter.” I spat out at him.
“Don’t talk to me like that.” He said.
“I’ll talk to you any way I damn well please. This is MY daughter you’re hurting. How many times have you made her cry this weekend, Mike?” I asked.
“Only twice.”
“Well that’s two times too many! She shouldn’t be sad because her daddy is leaving her, she should be happy and secure knowing that in two weeks she’ll be seeing you again.”
*silence*
“Nothing to say to that?” I asked.
“I can’t believe the lengths you would go to just to get a piece of pussy.” I said.
“Fuck you.” he responded and put on his helmet.
“You already did, and look where it got me.” I retorted. “I hope she respects you more than I do right now.”
At that point I got in the car and rolled down the rear window so Hailey could say good-bye one more time. She waved and blew him kisses as we drove away. “Mommy, I’m sad.” she told me. I said the only thing I could think to say. “I know baby, but it’s OK to be sad. You can call Daddy later if you want to.” and we headed off to church.
Now I’ve had plenty of time to think about it since that encounter. I’m not sorry that I said what was on my mind and in my heart. I will admit that I do regret that I allowed such and ugly side of myself to rear it’s head. I am disappointed in myself for lashing out at an innocent woman and calling her derogatory names, just because of what my ex-husband has decided to do. I’m almost 100% certain that she doesn’t know the whole story. Either way Mike has made his choice. He will ultimately have to live with the consequences of his actions. I just hate that Hailey is being hurt by his selfishness.
I think I need counselling to help me deal with all of this. There is a whole lot of anger inside me right now that he would be able just to walk away from our beautiful little girl, to pursue a relationship with someone. I cannot comprehend it. There’s also a lot of anger that I am now completely responsible for Hailey. At least when he was still living here in Tennessee I had a break from being 24/7 Mommy every other weekend.
But most of all, I’m afraid that I do not know what to say or do to help my baby through this.
