The one where she writes about the whole ordeal – Part I

I am sure this is going to be a long and exhausting post to write. I’m equally sure it will be incredibly cathartic for me, as I no longer feel like I can keep this all bottled up inside me. I may have people that do not agree with the choices I have decided to make, and those people may express their opinions as such, but this is my blog, and therefore I decide the content and this, this ordeal in my life is what I need to write about now.

I guess it all started, well it started back when I met Mr. Nascar. I believe I blogged about what a horrid first date we had, but he was persistent and managed to convince me to go on another date with him. The positive in that is that I had a fabulous time. Over the course of several months, we dated casually, as I was still dating 2 or 3 other people. As the weeks passed, it’s like everyone else slipped away until there was just Mr. Nascar. We started spending more and more time together. He met Bert© and while I was apprehensive about that at the time, he has given me no cause to regret that decision. Once Bert© went off to stay with my mother for the summer, if I wasn’t at Mr. Nascar’s house, he was at mine.

Eventually we discussed moving in together, and actually started looking for places to rent. That’s when it happened, that fateful Thursday night. I was laying in bed next to Mr. Nascar and could not stop fidgeting. “What’s wrong?” he asked me. “Nothing”, I replied. Which of course is woman speak for HOW CAN YOU NOT KNOW WHAT’S WRONG!! I think he tried to ignore me for awhile, but it didn’t last. I guess he has learned some things in his 41 years on this earth. Finally he turned to me and said “Whatever it is, it’s ok to tell me. If I don’t know what’s wrong, I don’t know how to fix it.” So, I took a great deep breath and said “I want to tell you, but I’m so scared.” I literally felt like my heart was going to explode out of my chest if I didn’t tell him what was on my mind. Now please keep in mind, that while I am rather mature, I am still only 26. Yes I have been married, and divorced, and have a child, but most of my relationships have been rather disastrous and I’m a little gun shy. Mr. Nascar held me tight and said “It’s ok, you don’t have to tell me you love me. I already know.” Well, I guess I had worked myself into such a state of anxiety over wanting to tell him that I was in love with him, and worrying about what his answer would be, that I didn’t listen carefully to what he was saying. I thought he was saying that he didn’t want me to tell him that I love him. So in my idiotic frame of mind, I said to him, “Uhh, I need to go home. Right now. Ya, I need to go home.” and I started to get out of bed.

He asked where I was going, and tried to pull me back down beside him. My heart was just racing and I was so close to tears. “I just need to go home. I can’t do this right now.” I said. He told me to look at him, and asked me to explain, because he didn’t understand what was going on. “I guess I just got the wrong idea about how serious our relationship was. Please let me go, I need to leave.” was my response. He said he didn’t know what I was talking about, of course our relationship was serious. He asked me what was wrong with me, in the tone of voice that someone uses when they speak to someone who is on the edge and about to go over. I rolled to face him and buried my face in his chest. “I know you might not want to hear it, but it’s the truth. I love you.” I said to him. “I love you too, Webmiss. I love Bert© as well.” he said. He kissed me on the forehead and asked me what in the world that was all about. I explained to him that the last time I had told someone that I loved them, their response was, well not very reassuring. I had agonized for several weeks over whether or not to tell him, and mostly I was just scared that his reaction was going to be negative. I was living in fear because of things that had happened in another relationship, and that wasn’t fair to him. I was so glad that I got that off my chest. We cuddled up and drifted off to sleep. I probably slept all night with a great big smile on my face.

We spent the whole weekend together, I think we went to the drive-in on Saturday night with his roommate and another friend. It was lovely. That is, until Monday when I received a phone call from him at work. Lord, my stomach clenches just thinking about talking about it, and it’s been more than a month since this happened. Anyway, it was probably about 3:30-4pm on Monday the 28^thwhen he called me at work. I could tell right away that something was wrong. “Can you please come straight to your house after work? I have something to discuss with you.” I told him sure, and we hung up. “Ohh that’s not good at all.” I remember saying. My across the wall cube mate asked what was going on and I told her. She was so optimistic. “It’s not bad news! I bet he’s going to ask you to marry him.” she told me. I disagreed, I definitely felt like the big break up was coming. Throughout our whole relationship I have wondered what it is he sees in me. There’s 15 years between us, although I never think about it unless he talks about a generational reference. Like TV show that I would only have seen in reruns. He actually very good looking, and he’s taken good care of himself over the years. If I had to have guessed his age, I don’t think I would have put him at being in his 40’s. I guess I really am pretty insecure about myself, and what I would have to offer to a man. And as always, in the back of my mind is the little voice that tells me that everyone else has left me, it should just be a matter of time before he does.

So I drive home that evening, as fast as I’m able. My head is just spinning in circles wondering what it could be, and preparing myself for the worst. I opened the door to my apartment and called out. He was sitting at the dining room table surrounded by paperwork. I could see that he was writing out detailed instructions, but for what, I had no idea. I sat down with him at the table and said, ok what’s going on? He turned to me and said, “Remember that drug test I told you I failed?” instantly my heart sank into my stomach, I knew this wasn’t going to be good. I nodded, and he continued. “I called probation this morning, and there is a warrant out for my arrest.” I just nodded again, like a little bobble head. I didn’t feel capable of more response than that. “I need to get these jobs finished this week, I have two days that I need to run three crews and I want to make sure all this is taken care of. Once this week is finished out, I’ll have you take me down so I can turn myself in.” I swallowed a couple times, and then started to cry. “Please, please don’t cry. Everything will be alright.” He caught me up in a big hug. “I love you,” he breathed into my hair “Please be strong, for the both of us.” We sat at the table for a very long time. He explained that he was writing out instructions for me to be able to keep things running if for some reason things didn’t go according to plan. We went out for a quick dinner and then tried to go to sleep. We talked for a very long, long time that night.

I guess I should pause the story here and try to explain why all this was happening. When Mr. Nascar’s mom was very sick for a long time. She lived with him, and he cared for her until the day she died. He made poor choices on how to deal with his pain, such as taking her prescription medication to numb himself toward the difficult situation he was dealing with. Unfortunately as time went on and he became addicted to the drugs, he was searching for new ways to get high. That is when he started doing cocaine. In 2002 Mr. Nascar was definitely running with the wrong crowd. He didn’t care about anything, his mom had died by that point, and nothing else mattered to him. One afternoon he was running some errands with a “friend” of his. His associate asked him to stop at a convenience store so he could run in and get a few things. When he came out of the store, Mr. Nascar drove away and things were business as usual. That is of course, until the police pulled them over. They were both arrested in connection with robbing that convenience store, and Mr. Nascar was also charged with possession of an illegal substance.

Mr. Nascar spent 18 months in the county jail, and was eventually convicted of 2 counts aggravated robbery. His partner was convicted of 7 counts of robbery. Mr. Nascar received two consecutive 6 year sentences and was released to community corrections, and their probation program. He did not thrive on that program. He became increasingly depressed and frustrated. People wouldn’t hire him, because of his back ground. Without a job, he was in violation of his probation and at risk for going back to jail. In 2004 he requested a travel permit to go to another state and visit his brother. He didn’t come back. He spent nearly 2 years living i. His brother helped him get a job, and begin to gain back his confidence. He started his business down there, and finally felt like he was worth something again. In 2006 he was pulled over during a routine traffic stop, and ended up being extradited back to Tennessee. His attorney managed to keep him from going to prison that time, and he was placed back on probation. He’s been here ever since, working on building his business and making contacts with people who can help him get on the Nascar or Golf circuit.

Then of course, late last year we met and started dating. It wasn’t until the end of April that things turned serious and he confided in me about the things in his past, so I knew what I was dealing when all this started. I am impressed that he was able to take such a negative series of events in his life and turn them into something positive. Most people when they fall into that way of life, never climb back out. Things were going well until that fateful day in July when he took some pain medication for his back and it caused him to fail a drug test, and violate his probation.

Now, back to the original story. On Tuesday, the morning after he told me there were warrants for his arrest, I went to work as normal. I spoke with my manager and asked him if I could leave early that afternoon. He agreed and as soon as 2pm rolled around, I raced home to be with Mr. Nascar. We sat on the couch together for a long time, going over plans and instructions and just spending quality time together. Eventually we went to the grocery store so I could make dinner, and then we rented a movie. About 9pm that evening, we sat down to eat dinner. I was getting something from the fridge in the kitchen when Mr. Nascar asked me about the strange car that was parked in the middle of the street in front of my apartment complex. I had never seen it before, and I got up to close the curtains. Mr. Nascar went into the kitchen to look out the window and noticed 2 police cruisers drive by. “They’re coming for me.” he said. “No, they can’t be. They don’t know you’re with me.” I replied. My heart was pounding and I felt like I was going to throw up everything I had just eaten. Suddenly the phone rang. I swear I almost wet myself. I was wound tighter than spring. It was only my mom and I told her I couldn’t talk right then. Mr. Nascar was still looking out the window so I went to my room. I threw myself on the bed and just completely went to pieces. I cried so hard I couldn’t breathe. He climbed onto the bed with me and was holding me, rocking me gently trying to calm me down. “We can try to leave, if you want.” he told me. I disagreed. If they were coming to get him, I didn’t want to get myself into any trouble. He went over the instructions that he’d given me 3 or 4 more times. He kept saying to me “Do you understand?”. I finally yelled at him that I was just upset, not stupid. I was cold and couldn’t stop shaking. Looking back on it, I think I was going into shock.

Finally, the knock came at the door. “Answer the door, and don’t try to pretend I’m not here. Just let them in to come and get me, honey.” I agreed and went to answer the door. Two police officers were standing in my darkened door way. “Is Mr. Nascar here?” I just nodded my head and opened the door wider. They stepped inside and he came out from the bedroom. I will give the officers credit, they were very kind to both me and Mr. Nascar. I was standing in the hallway weeping and sniffling, and they told me it would be ok for me to come into the living room and sit beside him. He handed over his cell phone and his bank cards, kissed me good bye, and was handcuffed and led away.

That was 39 days ago today. So much has happened in those 39 days. The time has passed so quickly, and yet at the same time it has dragged on. I cannot believe that all happened more than a month ago. I miss him, terribly, each day. Bert© knows nothing. We told her that he needed to leave and help his brother with some family stuff in another state. He occasionally talks to her, but often just the thought of her is enough to make him cry, and he doesn’t want to make her upset. His brother has been kind enough to mail post cards from his state, on behalf of Mr. Nascar.

Stay tuned for the next exciting installment of bad crap that happens in my life!