No news is good news, right?

Well, I’ve signed all the paperwork to get the mortgage in the works. It’s supposed to go for under writing sometime this week. We’re only about 30 days from actually closing and owning a home. Mr. Nascar has been very excited and has all kinds of plans. I am less excited. I keep waiting for them to come back and tell us it’s not going to go through. I told him I wont be excited until my hand cramps from signing my name on all the papers at closing.

The landlord called and mentioned that his brother is looking for a place to live. He wanted to know what our plans were, since we had mentioned to him that we had a contract on a house. I had hoped for a little more time before needing to make a decision. However I talked it over with Mr. Nascar and he said we should just go ahead and move even if something happens and we don’t get the house. Where we live right now is just way too small for the 3 of us. I need to remember to call him back this evening and tell him we’ll be out of the house regardless by the first of the year.

Mr. Nascar has been working like a crazy person lately. He works his regular job Monday through Friday and now even has extra stuff to do on Sundays. He has just wrapped up working the Friday night high school football games, but is still working the Saturday college football games. He’s contracted for set up and game day next weekend, and then the following weekend will travel to Kentucky to work for E$PNU over THANKSGIVING for set up and game day for two football games.

To be honest, I’m very angry at him for agreeing to work over Thanksgiving weekend. This is our first “family” type holiday since he was released from prison. This time last year he was locked up and unable to celebrate with us. I just feel like his priorities and mine are in different universes right now. We did talk about it last night, and I understand that since he practically begged the guy at E$PN to work him on some out of town games, he feels like he might not be asked to help out again if he backs out of this one. I *could* go to KY with him, as I will be off 4 days for Thanksgiving, however part of the deal he has made to get to do this included his paying his own transportation costs. It takes 30-45 business days before he will be paid for this, so I’m not sure about spending the extra money just so I can travel out there with him and sit in a hotel all day long. Also, this will be the first major holiday my mom will be trying to celebrate without my step-father as he passed away very suddenly in June. I’m worried about her, really worried about her. I’m not sure if she’d want to come to KY with us, or if she just wants to stay home. I suppose asking her might be a good place to start.

I’m kind of pissed at myself to be honest. Why is it that this is such a big deal to me? Who says that Thanksgiving needs to be celebrated on November 26th? It’s on a completely different day up in Canada where I’m from anyway. Why couldn’t we just pick another weekend to celebrate together on? I feel like such an ass. Why can’t I just be happy that he’s working, and willing to work hard to support us and our lifestyle? Why can’t I just be happy that he’s not a fat slob just laying on the couch all day while I’m busting my butt at work? Why can’t I be happy that every other moment of the day when he’s not working he is at home? He doesn’t go out with his friends, he doesn’t spend time at the bar or strip club (like TheEx). Why can’t I just be content? Why is nothing ever good enough for me?

I don’t know the answers to those questions. Sometimes I feel like I’m literally going insane. I did have a long talk with Mr. Nascar last night. I feel good about the conversation we had. He was trying to empathize and understand where I’m coming from. He makes a good point when he reminds me that although we may have been together for 2 years now, we’ve only lived together 7 months and with him being gone to prison for 8 months, that’s a huge chunk of our “dating” time that he wasn’t around. We’re still getting to know each other. He’s still getting used to the idea that the things he does, the decisions he makes now effect two other people. I really don’t think that either of us is used to living with another person full time. Yes, I was married for almost 6 years, but TheEx was a truck driver and he would be gone for weeks at a time. That’s probably the only reason we were married as long as we were!

We both promised to try harder to put each other, and our relationship first. I took a big step today and decided to put my employer provided life benefits to work and I called and left a message to set up a counselling session. I don’t think that I’m dealing effectively with all the stress in my work life, and it is really interfering with my home life.  I certainly hope it helps, but I already feel better just from making the call to set up the appointment.

Thanks for listening!