Stop the drama-go-round, I want to get off

I am so tired of all the drama in my life. It seems to have all started with Mr. Nascar getting arrested nearly 7 months ago. Yowza, I can hardly believe he’s been gone so long. Actually I think he’s been gone longer than we actually were together.

The latest drama comes courtesy of TheEx. I was sitting at work last week when my cell phone rang, I saw that it was him but as I was at work I didn’t answer it. He left me a message asking about Bert© and wanting to know if I had filed my taxes yet. My stomach sank when I listened to the voicemail. I wondered if he had claimed her as well as a dependant andwe were about to become embroiled in some kind of IRS nightmare.  I had already filed my taxes and received my return at the beginning of the month (Thank God!) so I wasn’t sure what to expect.

It turns out that he wants to take me back to court for the 2nd time in less than 12 months. He hasn’t worked since November and says that things in South Dakota just aren’t getting any better for him or Wifey#2. He was laid off from his job as an equipment operator for the mine when the weather started turning bad. He refused to apply for unemployment because “by the time they take 1/2 the check and send it to you I’d only be getting about $100 a week and it wouldn’t be worth it”, andhas yet to find a job. I guess his standards for work are too high, or after all the years of being the breadwinner while we were married he has decided he likes the idea of being able to stay home while Wifey#2 supports him. I don’t know if you all recall, but October of 2007 she was having to do the same thing back when they were just dating and living together in Minnesota.

I digress though. I asked him if he had suddenly turned deaf, because I recall quite clearly the judge saying “Mr. TheEx, the state of Tennessee expects that when you voluntarily terminate your position with a company you would seek employment elsewhere making the same or better salary.” He seems to think that they do not understand the seriousness of his position and that he has tried to find a decent job. So, as I am bound by the terms of our divorce to supply either my W2 or my tax return for the previous year, I provided him with that information only to know that it will be used against me in the near future.

Then he dropped the real bomb. “So uhh have you talked to my mom lately?” I explained that we had been playing phone tag back and forth, but so far had not connected for a real conversation. “Oh, so I guess you don’t know then. Well, uhh, Wifey#2 is pregnant”

This is one of those moments in my life that is exactly like those that they play on TV sitcoms. You know the one where the person on the receiving end of the news has their head explode or they envision themselves beating the other person with a book, hammer…insert blunt object of choice. Just as that lovely vision finishes, you fade back to reality with the person actually just going “Oh no, I hadn’t heard that. How lovely. When is the baby due?”

Is that kind of preternatural calm a sign that I might be psychopathic? I really wanted to scream at the top of my lungs “Great F’ing job you A-hole. You can’t take care of the 1 child you already have and here you’re going to procreate again. MORON!” Perhaps I’m making more of this than I should, because really it doesn’t affect me other than I’m still not getting child support and I think that if he does have other children to support it will ultimately reduce his financial responsibility to Bert©. I guess I’m just tired of always being the responsible one. It obviously doesn’t pay to be responsible cause I sure as heck am struggling to make ends meet.

What kind of person does it make me, to have at one point in my life cared enough about this man to marry him and have a child with him? I must have some incredibly defective judgement or some sort of inherent character flaw. I must have please take advantage of mewritten across my forehead. All of this, everything that he has said and done since we separated has really made me question myself and whether or not I’m a good person. Maybe the common denominator in all of this is ME. I’m scared to death now that all of this stuff with Mr. Nascar is just going to be the same type of thing. He’s in prison, I’m supporting him…and how the hell do I know he doesn’t have 2 or 3 other girls he calls/writes/visits with?

I’m angry that Bert© will grow up with a sibling out there someone, a little brother or sister that she probably wont ever get to know. I’m sure that little person will grow up seeing pictures of my little girl in their house and wondering how it all fits together. I’m scared that now Bert© will be even more of an after thought. I’m totally disgusted that he could do this, and even more so with Wifey#2. Is she really that blind? Or is she naive enough to think that one day she wont be walking the same road I am?

I’m truly disgusted with myself because, I should be grateful and thankful that out of my marriage came this beautiful, wonderful little girl that is the light of my life, and yet I find myself bitter and angry because of the way she is being treated. I wish I had the guts to petition the courts to take away his rights to her. I wish…well I wish a lot of things and none of them are very nice.

I want Bert© to have a sibling bond like I had growing up with my little sister. But I don’t want it bad enough to uproot my baby and my life here to follow around after TheEx like some crazed groupie.

I guess time will tell. Maybe baby#2 will teach TheEx to grow up and actually follow through on his responsibilities. But then again, maybe it wont.

Divorce Recovery

Tonight I embarked on a path of growth and self-healing. Mr. Nascar has been wanting to progress our relationship. He has even gone so far as to mention the “M” word. I refuse to acknowledge or encourage that thought process at this time. I love him. More than I have loved anyone in a long time, but considering we haven’t been together all that long, and he has been physically removed from our relationship for the foreseeable future…now is not the time to be considering such things.

Regardless of that, I have blogged before about a somewhat irrational fear that I have about getting remarried. I had thought for a long time that perhaps I needed to actually do something, to seek out some type of professional help to allow me to heal from my divorce. It was time to rip off the proverbial band-aid. Suck it up, Webmiss! I can be such a wimp sometimes. So, in travelling around the world wide web, I came across a Divorce Recovery workshop that was being offered at the local Methodist church. Tonight was my first meeting. We’ll meet every Tuesday night for the next 6 weeks.

I have to admit, so far I have been pretty impressed. Here are a few of the profound things that jumped out at me during tonights session. The parts in blue are the questions/statements from the workbook. My notes follow after the hyphens.

How to know when to let go in a relationship:

1. Do you both want the relationship?-No, he obviously didn’t. Thinking back on it, I really didn’t either, but couldn’t see it at the time.
2. Will both parties accept professional help? -No. We had discussed it previously when we first noticed some problems in our marriage. If we had really wanted to fix things, they we would have made every effort.
3. How destructive is the relationship?-We were very toxic to each other. We did not know, or care, to communicate effectively.
4. How ingrained are the patterns?-We did not learn from our mistakes, nor did we make any effort to correct destructive behaviors. Learn from this!!

Healthy & Unhealthy Reasons we have trouble letting go:
Healthy:

1. Bonding.
2. Fear.-Underlined. I feared the unknown. I feared the future without TheEx.
3. Security.
4. Loss.

*Side note: It struck me as odd that there were “healthy” reasons for not letting go. I guess I always associated not letting go with weakness and dependency and therefore thought that all the reasons for not letting go would be unhealthy.

Unhealthy:

1. Dependency.-I could not see where TheEx ended and I began. I did not have my own identity.
2. Denial.
3. Avoidance.-I bargained with TheEx for the relationship. If I do X will you stay with me then? I even begged. Not something I am proud of to this day.
4. Guilt.-Double underlined. Nearly 2 years post divorce I still place the majority of the blame on myself for the ending of our relationship.

Steps toward acceptance:

1. Cognitive Understanding.-Refocus toward growth. Explore what happened.
2. Emotional Resolve.-Accept the emotions that I am feeling. This is a grieving process.
3. A New Identity.-Who am I as a person? Adapt from the divorce, accept the person it has made me become.

Potential Growth Areas:

1. Emotional.
2. Relational.-Work on relationships with family members & friends.
3. Practical.-Find new ways to cope. Learn new things, skills, or hobbies.
4. Spiritual.-Again, double underlined. I have been trying to become more active in my church. Turn to God always, not just when I am in a crisis.

*Successful Grief work:*

1. Take one day at a time.-Don’t borrow trouble by worrying about tomorrow. Don’t live in the past. No what ifs allowed.
2. Value yourself.-God created me, God loves me. I am a good person. Think positively about myself.
3. Take time to grow.-Embrace the pain, learn from it, move on.
4. Get with people who are growing.
5. Seek professional help.-Do not allow myself to get too low. Depression is a slippery slope. Seeking out the Divorce Recovery group was a great first step.
6. Take what people want to give.-Accept help from others. Don’t continue to say things are ‘fine’ if they’re not.
7. **Put the past in the past.**-I struggle with this daily. Try to start every morning living in the NOW. History can repeat itself, but I cannot continue my relationship with Mr.Nascar looking over my shoulder at what happened with TheEx and worrying that it will happen with Mr.Nascar. Give him a chance.
8. Exercise your faith.-Faith is waiting and enduring. Faith is believing.

What emotions are you experiencing in the grief or divorce process?

1. Anger.-uh ya duh.
2. Hostility.-Cannot speak to TheEx without getting angry and/or upset.
3. Bitterness.-It was so easy for him to just walk away.
4. Hatred.-Hmm I’m seeing a frightening trend here.
5. Cheated.-Yes, I feel cheated on Bert©’s behalf. She is being cheated out of a father by the choices TheEx is making. Do I feel cheated on my own behalf?
6. Betrayed.-Absolutely. I feel like our whole marriage was a lie.
7. Numb.-Occasionally. Maybe sometimes it’s more like indifference.
8. Other.-Guilt & Jealousy. The jealousy part worries me. Explore those emotions further.

Complete this sentence: I have difficulty letting go of everything. I detest change.-This goes back to being fearful of the unknown. How much time have I wasted in my life being scared?

I really think I came away from tonight’s class with a lot of things to think about. Or to ‘process’ as our facilitator explained it. We have to process all the thoughts and emotions that go hand in hand with a divorce in order to grow from the experience and to move on.

I am really looking forward to next weeks class. I’m also looking forward to reading back on these entries as the weeks pass and seeing how far I have been able to come. The coping skills that I am learning will help me with my relationship with Mr.Nascar, and any future relationships I have. I am proud of myself for taking this step. It’s very hard for me to admit that I need help. I think that’s part of why it took me nearly 2 years to sign up for the workshop, I felt like I could deal with this myself. Some small part of me feels like a failure if I need to ask for help.

For the first time in a very long time, I finally feel like everything will eventually be alright. Tonight, I am at peace.

I have a date with a judge.

It’s been awhile since I blogged about my ex-husband. Probably because he’s been behaving himself. Child support has been coming regularly, and he basically keeps to himself. He doesn’t ever talk to Bert© unless she initiates contact first. How sad is that? Really, it’s all been quite on that front…but of course, all good things must come to an end at some point.

One afternoon when Bert© had talked to her father, I asked if I could speak with him. I had some general, end of school updates to give him and to ask him to email me some information. Over the course of the conversation, I enquired about his brother, and was surprised to learn that my ex-brother-in-law Gordon was getting remarried. TheEx gave me what details he happened to have, and commented that he wouldn’t be able to make it out there for the nuptials.

To say I was surprised was a bit of an understatement. I remember when Gordon and his first wife got divorced, she had cheated on him with a doctor in the practice where she worked as a medical assistant. It was a very bitter divorce and Gordon had expressed to TheEx that he was pretty much done with women in any serious way. I was very certain that Gordon was going to be a confirmed bachelor. I guess nothing is ever really set in stone, and honestly I am very happy for him as I hear that El, his new wife is a very lovely person and Gordon has become quite domesticated.

In speaking with TheEx’s mother a few days later, I asked if she was planning on attending the wedding and would she please give the couple my best regards. She was very quiet for a moment, and I felt my heart sink. I thought perhaps I had just spilled some very serious beans and was about to cause a rift in the family. She said that she was very surprised at both her son’s. She would be attending both Gordon’s & TheEx’s weddings this year.

WOAH! Rewind here.

“Oh,” I said. “I didn’t realize that he was getting married again. I knew they were living together.” TheEx’s mom apologized for leaking the news, she had assumed that he had told me. I kind of laughed then, and said “Wow. They’ve been together less than a year. I guess he really didn’t learn a thing by being married to me.”

I’m not really sure how I feel about that. I’m apprehensive about what this woman feels will be her place in Bert©’s life. When I mentioned it to Bert©, all she seemed worried about was if she was going to have wicked step-sisters or not…thank you Disney! I guess if I really, truly am honest with myself, I’m jealous of him. He has been able to completely shirk his responsibilities, do whatever he wants, go wherever he wants, and not have to give one thought about Bert©. I cannot just up and travel somewhere. I cannot change jobs. I have to worry about having health insurance for her, making sure that she has good daycare, etc. I cannot just up and move to another state as I have to consider uprooting Bert© from my mother whom she is very close to. I’m jealous that he found it so easy to find someone else, while I struggled with several unsuccessful dates, and then worried endlessly about whether or not to allow Bert© to meet Mr.Nascar. I continue to worry about the amount of time they spend together, not because I suspect anything inappropriate, but because I worry about what happens the day he isn’t around all the time anymore.

So there you have it. The green eyed monster has taken control of me. I’m also a little angry with him as well, for passing off his responsibilities with Bert© to me. I’m also a little perplexed as to why this new woman would even want to marry him? What is attractive about a man she spent nearly 6 months supporting when he couldn’t find work, who doesn’t take care of responsibilities that he has prior to their relationship? What makes her think that he’s not going to do the exact same thing to her 2, 4, or even 10 years down the road. I suppose it really isn’t something I should worry about as there is no accounting for some people’s taste.

That’s the first part of the story. The second part is where at 9am this Friday I have to be in court with said idiot as he’s petitioning to reduce the amount of child support he’s paying. I’m almost certain that will be granted to him, as he doesn’t make as much money as he did when we were together, but it sucks no matter which way you look at it. He also spent about 3-4 months not working when he first moved to be with his fiancée in Minnesota. I don’t have an attorney, and was not advised to get one. The Department of Human Services, which is handling my child support case just sent me notification that I need to attend the hearing. Thankfully MyCompany™ has been very understanding and has allowed me to take that day off, with pay, to get this sorted. I really feel deep down that this isn’t going to go in my favor, but would appreciate any and all prayers you’re willing to send.

On that same day, my father & step-mother (not evil) will be travelling in from Memphis to visit. Normally they reside in Toronto, Ontario, but my dad has some sort of conference next week in Memphis and has decided to use the opportunity of being in the same state as me, to travel out for a visit. When I mentioned to TheEx that he wouldn’t get as much time with Bert© as he thought he would, he flipped his lid. He was yelling at me that he was travelling all this way (from South Dakota to Tennessee) to see her and that what I was doing wasn’t fair. My favorite line from that conversation was where he proceeded to tell me “I’m her father, I have rights too.” It really, really took me a lot to bite my tongue and not scream at him like a wild banshee “The only F’ING reason you’re coming to see her is to take me to court to reduce the amount of support you pay me to care for her. If you really are her father, try acting like it sometime!” Instead I behaved myself and told him I’d speak with my dad and see what he could do about taking his sweet time getting here from Memphis.

I broke the news to Bert© that TheEx is getting remarried, and that she would be getting a step-mother. I guess TheEx is bringing the fiancée with him, so she will have a chance to meet Bert© before the wedding. I’m not sure how much Bert© understands, or if it makes any sense to her. She’s just happy to know that in 4 more sleeps she’ll get to see her daddy again for the first time in nearly a year. Bert© will not be attending the wedding, as the day TheEx gets remarried, we will be flying back to my hometown in Canada to spend some much needed time with my younger sister and the rest of my family.

I guess this will end up being a very busy weekend for me. Not only do I have a court appearance, but I’ll be spending some quality time with my dad on Saturday, and I’m planning on introducing Mr.Nascar to dad & step-mom. I think he’s going to do brunch with us on Sunday before they leave to head back to Memphis.

Keep your fingers crossed for me that I even survive this weekend!

Marriage and Religion.

I wanted to expand on a comment that Cardiogirl left regarding my last entry. The wise lady said this:

Marriage and commitment are different to everyone, however, I agree that most people (here I am referring to Catholics because of the annulment issue) get married with the mind set that this is forever. Though I do think a few people (non-Catholics, again because of the lack of the annulment issue) look at marriage as something that can be undone through divorce. As in, well, if this doesn’t work out I can always get divorced. Just a different mind set.Having said that, I am not trying to imply that you, Webmiss, entered into marriage thinking you could get out of it if it got difficult, just pointing out that religious influences have a lot to do with the initial mindset of the person getting married

I am Catholic. I was raised Catholic, and received religious education through Catechism classes. I have vivid memories of going to church on Sunday’s with my grandmother and brother, and alter-serving at the morning Mass. TheEx on the other hand, grew in a household that started without religion, until his mother became a “born-again” and tried to push encourage her sons to have a relationship with Jesus. Both TheEx and his brother resisted this newfound religious passion, TheEx possibly more so than his brother. He had some very narrow minded ideals about religion, and about people of other ethnic backgrounds. I’m basically sugarcoating the fact that TheEx was/is a racist. You might be wondering what I ever saw in him, but I think TheEx represented a challenge to me. I wrongly assumed that if I loved him enough, and worked at it enough, I could change the kind of person he is. WRONG, wrong, wrong, little Webmiss! I am mentally kicking my own butt right now.

In my hurry to get married, and in an effort to please my future mother-in-law I got married in her Non-Denominational Christian church. It was a intimate ceremony with mostly family and just good friends, nothing too remarkable about it. Let’s fast forward 4 years. TheEx came home from work one day in tears. I was frightened, I didn’t know what had upset him and he was in no shape to explain it to me at that moment. Once he managed to calm down, he explained that while he was on his lunch break, sitting quietly by himself, he felt that God was talking to him and compelling him to change his life. He told me that he felt that he needed to accept Jesus into his heart. We talked for a long time about what that meant, and what he wanted to do going forward. I explained the basic precepts of Catholicism, and TheEx decided that he would like to take RCIA (Rite of Catholic Initiation for Adults; the present program used by many Catholic Churches to prepare adults to receive the sacraments of Initiation: Baptism, Eucharist and Confirmation) classes. He was about halfway through his instruction when our priest called and asked if he could meet with me.

Fr. Michael sat me down in his office and asked me if TheEx and I were planning on getting remarried after his baptism. I was puzzled and said, no we weren’t. It was then that Fr. Michael clued me into the fact that I had needed permission from the Bishop of our diocese to marry outside my faith, but on top of that because I had not been married in a Catholic church, my marriage to TheEx was not vaild in the eyes of the church, and therefore not in the eyes of God either. I can tell you that I was absolutely crushed to hear this news, and cried for a couple days afterward. TheEx told me not to worry about it, we’d just get remarried after he was baptized. I was comforted by this, and put myself to the task of planning our new wedding, and also trying to get pregnant a second time.

About 6 months after this conversation, TheEx walked out the door and told me he wasn’t coming back. I begged, pleaded, and tried to say everything I possibly could to get him to change his mind. I even went so far as to tell him that Catholics don’t believe in divorce and he was turning his back on everything he had learned in his RCIA classes. It didn’t matter what I said to him, he had made up his mind and was done with me. I had never been so happy as I was in that moment that my mom was watching after Bert for me. I fell apart completely. I cried until I made myself sick, I sat in the middle of my bed with my arms wrapped around myself in just absolute silence. I couldn’t even make myself fall asleep to escape from the misery. At 4am I ended up driving over to my mothers house and sitting in the rocking chair on her front porch until she woke up in the morning and came outside for a cigarette. She listened to me, and hugged me, and gave me a sleeping pill so I could fall blissfully into oblivion.

The next morning, I called Fr. Michael and explained what had happened. He offered to call TheEx to counsel him, and I found out later that TheEx never answered the phone nor returned Father’s phone call. I was curious as to what divorce would actually mean to me spiritually. Fr. Michael delivered the first bit of good news to me about this whole situation, and that was since TheEx and I were never married in the Catholic church, for all intents and purposes (spiritually) the marriage never happened. Not only do I not need an annulment, I am free to marry again in the Catholic church. While divorce was never an option for me in my marriage, I do have to be amazed at the way things all worked out so that I remained whole spiritually.

Ultimately, I think that TheEx and I having very different religious backgrounds was a disadvantage to our marriage. In my future relationships, I think I will be more careful about choosing someone with similar religious background to mine. I think Cardiogirl was on to something with the oppinion that Non-Catholics, but even more so, people without religious affiliation do not have the same attitude about what marriage truly means.

Several months ago I got curious (collective eyeroll right?) and asked TheEx if he had continued his RCIA classes or even just continued going to church. He shrugged it off and said that he just really hadn’t found the time to do so. I have to say, part of me wasn’t surprised to hear that. The other part of me was sad that he had turned his back on something that at one time had seemed so important to him. If God chooses to talk to you, that’s pretty serious don’t you think?

Tomorrow I’m going to try and blog on something that is a little less serious. Perhaps the fact that my future granddaughter might be named…(to be continued)