Has it truly been 6 months?

6 months! Where has the time gone? At first, the milestones were so small. He’s been home 3 days. He’s been home a week. He’s been home a month. Now, he’s been home 6 months. He’s now been home almost as long as he was gone.

Remember when I posted this? “The Nightmare is over”was my homecoming post for Mr. Nascar. He’d been home 3 wonderful days at that point. I didn’t even realize we were at the 6 month mark until I logged into my profile at a prison support website that I still patronize and looked at my ticker. It said “6 months since he came home”. Wow. It feels like maybe we should celebrate this milestone.

We’ve done a lot of things this year that we didn’t get to do last year because he was in lock up. We celebrated Bert©’s 6th birthday together. We took her to her first day of 1st grade together. We all went and spent an entire day at the Tennessee Valley Fair together. We vacationed together. We’ve fought together. We’ve discussed issues together as a family. We’ve been through the death of my step-father. Mr. Nascar’s two surgeries, and about 7 subsequent hospital visits to deal with his infections. We’ve laughed together, held each other as we’ve cried. We’ve fixed Bert©’s umpteen boo-boos together.

We still have so much to look forward to. This year will be our first to celebrate Christmas as a family. I think that’s really important to Mr. Nascar as it has been so long since he’s had a family of his own to celebrate things with.

We’ve talked about getting married and even about trying to have a child together. I’m apprehensive about that, based on previous experiences with TheEx. It’s not fair for me to compare TheEx to Mr. Nascar, but that’s my own lack of self-assurance speaking.

We’re talking about, and actually looking for a house to purchase together.

Life is actually pretty good for us right now. He tells me that I’m stuck with him, that he’s not going anywhere. The past 6 months have been challenging and wonderful at the same time. I wonder what the next 6 months will be like.

Thank you all for being there during my journey, and for being so supportive!

The black plague has descended

Hello everyone! Has it really been almost 2 months since my last post? Life really has gotten the better of me. We are so busy these days, that I was complaining to Mr. Nascar just the other day that we never see him anymore. “But it’s football time, honey” is what he responds.

Things that have happened in the last two months:

1. Mr. Nascar has gently reopened his moving business. His old roommate really did a number on his once stellar 5-star rating. He has reduced his rates and his travel fee to attract customers. So far he’s had 3 jobs. Two have made the time to go back to the website and leave him a 5-star rating. The other lady, well she said she would, but she hasn’t yet.
2. Bert© successfully graduated kindergarten and started 1st grade at a new school.
3. Bert© my darling baby girl had her 6th birthday at the end of August. We had a bowling party and the kids had a blast. She got her metallic-pink Nintendo DS and was promptly grounded from it the following Monday as a consequence for bad behavior at school.
4. Mr. Nascar started working utilities for the Comcast Friday night high-school football game of the week.
5. Bert©  and I go camping for the long weekend!
6. Mr. Nascar and I find out that Bert© has a boyfriend!! They hold hands as they walk down to their afterschool care every day.
7. Mr. Nascar starts working utilities for the college football team. 5 of their first 6 games are home games. We’ve got 3 games down.
8. My laptop computer bit the dust. Frankly I’m pretty PO’d at the way HP and their “representatives” have treated me. I can’t say too much more about that at the moment. I’m struggling to deal with my desk top computer at the moment, which is slow and cumbersome.
9. Bert© started girl scouts! I’m hoping to go sometime this week and pick up her uniform. Her 2nd meeting is tomorrow evening.
10. Bert© started Catechism classes at church, Wednesday evenings will be a late night for her as well.
11. Bert© is no longer an only sibling. TheEx and his wife had their baby on Friday. Right now that is all that she can talk about. I promised to take her and let her pick out a little welcome gift to send to them.
12. Mr. Nascar and I are actually house hunting. We haven’t found anything we’ve liked enough to put an offer in on, but we’re looking.
13. I am sick. I have the regular flu. I just spent 90 minutes at the doctors office this morning. I’ll be off work for the next little while as I’m contagious because I’m still having a fever. I have a terrible cough as well. The doctor has prescribed antibiotics because she didn’t like the way my lungs sounded.

That’s about all that I can think of off the top of my head. It has been a very busy couple of months. I hope all of you are well. I’ve missed you!

T’was the night before Christmas.

Well not exactly Christmas, but it is the night before Mr. Nascar’s parole hearing. I am sitting in a hotel 40 miles from anywhere, but just down the road from the prison. It is 3:48am and although I am yawning like a lazy cat, I can’t sleep any longer.

I don’t know how to describe it. I have such a mix of emotions going through my heart right now. My mind is racing and I don’t know how to stop it. I figured that maybe if I wrote about it, I might be able to process some of the information and I can maybe go back to sleep for at least an hour or two before it’s time.

A small part of me is excited. We have waited for this day for 7 long months. I prepared an entire parole packet, in addition to the letter that I personally wrote. When I finally mailed it in, I sent Mr. Nascar a copy of just the paperwork, not the pretty bound and colorful edition that I sent to the board. He showed it to Mr. P who is the facilitator of the Pre-Release class that Mr. Nascar is in. Mr. P said he was impressed with what I had put together and asked for my permission to use a copy of it as part of his class. He is going to use it as an example of what can be done to prepare and get organized before the parole hearing, and to show that a little initiative can go a long way. Like Mr. Nascar says: “No matter what happens, we’ll go up there and know that we did everything possible.” Maybe, just maybe, what I’ve been able to put together will show the parole board that I am a good person, and that Mr. Nascar now has 2 very positive people in his life who care about him very much. That moral support is very important in keeping recidivism down.

I’m excited about the possibility that we might be in the final stretch of all this. He could be home by the end of March, beginning of April if things go the right way. It will take 10 days for the final decision to come back, then a parole officer will need to come to the house to check out his “home plan” and to the place where he is going to be working to check out his “job plan”. After that it would be about another week for them to get his paperwork together, and then my next trip out here would be to come and get him from this horrible place.

On the other hand, part of me is so scared that he’s going to be denied today. I dreamt the other night that they put him off for a year. They would have any number of reasons making such a decision. I think the most logical might be that they don’t feel he has served enough time yet to learn a lesson from all this. They might grant him parole but tell him he has to wait 6 months before he can be released. If that is the case it would be the end of August and he would have been gone more than a year at that point. They could deny him out right and tell him to come back in a year. They could deny him and tell him to come back in 6 months. They could recommend him for parole and then it gets over turned when the final decision comes back from Nashville. There are just too many variables in this situation for my liking.

I’m also scared about the possibility of him coming home. I have gotten used to being independent again. I have my house and I have it set up MY way. When he was out, we were talking about moving in together, but we were looking for a place to live. That would have been neutral ground, it would have been a melange of his stuff and my stuff. I wasn’t able to get a lot of his stuff from his old house before his sorry @ss roommate called good will and told them to take whatever they can carry. I’m worried that he’s going to feel displaced when he gets home. I’m worried that I’m not going to be any good at sharing now. I’m worried that we’re not going to be able to stand each other when he comes home, and that it’s not going to take us long to destroy our relationship. Because of all the BS that TheEx is pulling lately, I’m worried that Mr. Nascar has just been taking me for a ride. Part of me thinks, well if TheEx was able to take advantage of me so easily, maybe my judgement isn’t sound and Mr. Nascar was able just to step right in and say the right words, pull the right strings, and voila here I am making a fool of myself again.

I talked to him tonight before I went to bed. He said he’s excited about today and there’s no doubt in my mind that right now he is also sitting up in his bunk with a million thoughts streaming through his head. He has been a complete basket case for the last two weeks, he even admits to it. I told him the other night that I’m going to need to buy some pom-poms if I need to keep up the cheer leading. I’m happy to do it though, as it keeps my mind off things, but the drive here yesterday was nothing but blank time for my mind to roam free with worry and fear.

I guess we’ll just have to wait and see. I’m going to start getting ready at 6:30 which is about 2 hours from now. I really need to lay back down and try to go to sleep. I just need to keep reminding myself that God is with us, and all of this is in His hands now. Whatever happens is meant to happen.

Stop the drama-go-round, I want to get off

I am so tired of all the drama in my life. It seems to have all started with Mr. Nascar getting arrested nearly 7 months ago. Yowza, I can hardly believe he’s been gone so long. Actually I think he’s been gone longer than we actually were together.

The latest drama comes courtesy of TheEx. I was sitting at work last week when my cell phone rang, I saw that it was him but as I was at work I didn’t answer it. He left me a message asking about Bert© and wanting to know if I had filed my taxes yet. My stomach sank when I listened to the voicemail. I wondered if he had claimed her as well as a dependant andwe were about to become embroiled in some kind of IRS nightmare.  I had already filed my taxes and received my return at the beginning of the month (Thank God!) so I wasn’t sure what to expect.

It turns out that he wants to take me back to court for the 2nd time in less than 12 months. He hasn’t worked since November and says that things in South Dakota just aren’t getting any better for him or Wifey#2. He was laid off from his job as an equipment operator for the mine when the weather started turning bad. He refused to apply for unemployment because “by the time they take 1/2 the check and send it to you I’d only be getting about $100 a week and it wouldn’t be worth it”, andhas yet to find a job. I guess his standards for work are too high, or after all the years of being the breadwinner while we were married he has decided he likes the idea of being able to stay home while Wifey#2 supports him. I don’t know if you all recall, but October of 2007 she was having to do the same thing back when they were just dating and living together in Minnesota.

I digress though. I asked him if he had suddenly turned deaf, because I recall quite clearly the judge saying “Mr. TheEx, the state of Tennessee expects that when you voluntarily terminate your position with a company you would seek employment elsewhere making the same or better salary.” He seems to think that they do not understand the seriousness of his position and that he has tried to find a decent job. So, as I am bound by the terms of our divorce to supply either my W2 or my tax return for the previous year, I provided him with that information only to know that it will be used against me in the near future.

Then he dropped the real bomb. “So uhh have you talked to my mom lately?” I explained that we had been playing phone tag back and forth, but so far had not connected for a real conversation. “Oh, so I guess you don’t know then. Well, uhh, Wifey#2 is pregnant”

This is one of those moments in my life that is exactly like those that they play on TV sitcoms. You know the one where the person on the receiving end of the news has their head explode or they envision themselves beating the other person with a book, hammer…insert blunt object of choice. Just as that lovely vision finishes, you fade back to reality with the person actually just going “Oh no, I hadn’t heard that. How lovely. When is the baby due?”

Is that kind of preternatural calm a sign that I might be psychopathic? I really wanted to scream at the top of my lungs “Great F’ing job you A-hole. You can’t take care of the 1 child you already have and here you’re going to procreate again. MORON!” Perhaps I’m making more of this than I should, because really it doesn’t affect me other than I’m still not getting child support and I think that if he does have other children to support it will ultimately reduce his financial responsibility to Bert©. I guess I’m just tired of always being the responsible one. It obviously doesn’t pay to be responsible cause I sure as heck am struggling to make ends meet.

What kind of person does it make me, to have at one point in my life cared enough about this man to marry him and have a child with him? I must have some incredibly defective judgement or some sort of inherent character flaw. I must have please take advantage of mewritten across my forehead. All of this, everything that he has said and done since we separated has really made me question myself and whether or not I’m a good person. Maybe the common denominator in all of this is ME. I’m scared to death now that all of this stuff with Mr. Nascar is just going to be the same type of thing. He’s in prison, I’m supporting him…and how the hell do I know he doesn’t have 2 or 3 other girls he calls/writes/visits with?

I’m angry that Bert© will grow up with a sibling out there someone, a little brother or sister that she probably wont ever get to know. I’m sure that little person will grow up seeing pictures of my little girl in their house and wondering how it all fits together. I’m scared that now Bert© will be even more of an after thought. I’m totally disgusted that he could do this, and even more so with Wifey#2. Is she really that blind? Or is she naive enough to think that one day she wont be walking the same road I am?

I’m truly disgusted with myself because, I should be grateful and thankful that out of my marriage came this beautiful, wonderful little girl that is the light of my life, and yet I find myself bitter and angry because of the way she is being treated. I wish I had the guts to petition the courts to take away his rights to her. I wish…well I wish a lot of things and none of them are very nice.

I want Bert© to have a sibling bond like I had growing up with my little sister. But I don’t want it bad enough to uproot my baby and my life here to follow around after TheEx like some crazed groupie.

I guess time will tell. Maybe baby#2 will teach TheEx to grow up and actually follow through on his responsibilities. But then again, maybe it wont.

Part II

I started this post in September, revisited it again in October, and hopefully will publish it today, in December. It has been a very very rough few months.

Thank you all for your wonderful and supportive comments on my last post. I finally have a few minutes to myself so I can write about what happened next.

He handed over his cell phone and his bank cards, kissed me good bye, and was handcuffed and led away.

That was 39 days ago today. So much has happened in those 39 days. The time has passed so quickly, and yet at the same time it has dragged on. I cannot believe that all happened more than a month ago.

This is the first time I have ever experienced anything like this. Everything that is happening is so far out of the realm of anything I have ever dealt with, it’s mind boggling. The evening that he was taken (07/29/08), I didn’t even know where he was going. I drove over to his house to let his roommate know what had happened and to go over the instructions that Mr. Nascar had given me for the rest of the jobs for the week. Every time I even mentioned his name I started to cry. Luckily Bert© was on summer break from school and was up at my moms. I am grateful to God that she didn’t have to see what I saw, nor see me fall very thoroughly to pieces that evening.

At home, it took me a long time to fall asleep that night. Mr. Nascar called me at 1am, and while I was grateful to hear his voice, it wasn’t good news. He had an outstanding warrant from 2002 in the county that I live in, so they were going to arraign him on those charges in the morning. I called in sick the next day and was waiting in the courtroom to hear what the judge had to say. I thought seeing him arrested was hard. Seeing him brought into the courtroom wearing an awful, ill fitting, day-glow orange jumpsuit; shackles around his ankles, and his hands cuffed in frontof him and then attached to a chain around his waist was the worst. I sat in the back of the courtroom and wept. I was forbidden from speaking to him or trying to communicate with him non-verbally. The bailiff called his name and he stood up before the judge. He was reminded of his charges: possession of drug paraphernalia. He was advised that a sentencing hearing would be scheduled for August 5th and that because Knox county had requested a hold on him, he was not allowed to bond out of jail.

I was the last person to exit the courtroom, and I had several hours to kill before I could head out for visitation. Up until that day, I didn’t know where the courthouse or the jail were located in Anderson county. Like I said before, this has really been an education.

I’ll stop there, because honestly I don’t really feel the need to go into minute detail about everything that has happened. Suffice it to say, Mr. Nascarand I are still together, and we’re hanging in there by our finger nails. On Monday it will have been 5 months since he was arrested. He was transferred to prison in early September, and is housed in West Tennessee, roughly 6 hours from here. I have made the trip 4 times to go and see him, usually once a month. It is an undignified experience to be frisked by a woman, told what I can and cannot wear, and be under constant supervision while visiting him. While I know that I am not there with any malicious intention or mischievousplan, there are many others in my same shoes that do take risks with their visitation to bring contraband to their loved ones.

I haven’t felt a yearning to write, and I’m disappointed in myself for that. Bloggingwas my escape from the real world problems, a place where I could be so incredibly honest about my thoughts and feelings, and I feel that I have lost that. My days are filled with work, and Bert©, and Mr. Nascar. I try to make sure that I write to him each evening before I go to bed, and we talk once a day on the phone.  I understand that I have choices in this life, and my choice is, at least for the immediate future, to be there for him and support our relationship through this difficult time.

I have been working dilligently on his parole packet. He was told by his counselor that he should go before the parole board in February. I am trying to gather all of our ducks in a row so that we can be as prepared as possible. Mr. Nascar says that no matter what happens it will be fine because we’ll be as prepared as possible and will have the satisfaction of knowing that we did our best whether he is paroled or not. I have no idea which way it will go, and I’m very frightened that they will put him off for a year or two. While I’m definitely a strong person, I don’t know that I’m that strong.

Bert© and I have moved, we were living with friends of ours for a couple months to get back on our feet. TheExhas stopped paying child support again. He told me that he was laid off, and he refuses to sign up for unemployment because “after you get money for child support I’d only bring home like $100 a week and it’s just not worth it.” Oh isn’t he just a joy?

Hopefully this is the jumping off point for me. I might need to blog from work on my lunch hour to make time for it, but I need to start doing this again. I promise I’ll take down the cobwebs soon, stay a while and see what I have to say.

A special thanks to Maxxy for coming in repeatedly to check on me. I really appreciate that hun, not sure if you even know how much.

Divorce Recovery

Tonight I embarked on a path of growth and self-healing. Mr. Nascar has been wanting to progress our relationship. He has even gone so far as to mention the “M” word. I refuse to acknowledge or encourage that thought process at this time. I love him. More than I have loved anyone in a long time, but considering we haven’t been together all that long, and he has been physically removed from our relationship for the foreseeable future…now is not the time to be considering such things.

Regardless of that, I have blogged before about a somewhat irrational fear that I have about getting remarried. I had thought for a long time that perhaps I needed to actually do something, to seek out some type of professional help to allow me to heal from my divorce. It was time to rip off the proverbial band-aid. Suck it up, Webmiss! I can be such a wimp sometimes. So, in travelling around the world wide web, I came across a Divorce Recovery workshop that was being offered at the local Methodist church. Tonight was my first meeting. We’ll meet every Tuesday night for the next 6 weeks.

I have to admit, so far I have been pretty impressed. Here are a few of the profound things that jumped out at me during tonights session. The parts in blue are the questions/statements from the workbook. My notes follow after the hyphens.

How to know when to let go in a relationship:

1. Do you both want the relationship?-No, he obviously didn’t. Thinking back on it, I really didn’t either, but couldn’t see it at the time.
2. Will both parties accept professional help? -No. We had discussed it previously when we first noticed some problems in our marriage. If we had really wanted to fix things, they we would have made every effort.
3. How destructive is the relationship?-We were very toxic to each other. We did not know, or care, to communicate effectively.
4. How ingrained are the patterns?-We did not learn from our mistakes, nor did we make any effort to correct destructive behaviors. Learn from this!!

Healthy & Unhealthy Reasons we have trouble letting go:
Healthy:

1. Bonding.
2. Fear.-Underlined. I feared the unknown. I feared the future without TheEx.
3. Security.
4. Loss.

*Side note: It struck me as odd that there were “healthy” reasons for not letting go. I guess I always associated not letting go with weakness and dependency and therefore thought that all the reasons for not letting go would be unhealthy.

Unhealthy:

1. Dependency.-I could not see where TheEx ended and I began. I did not have my own identity.
2. Denial.
3. Avoidance.-I bargained with TheEx for the relationship. If I do X will you stay with me then? I even begged. Not something I am proud of to this day.
4. Guilt.-Double underlined. Nearly 2 years post divorce I still place the majority of the blame on myself for the ending of our relationship.

Steps toward acceptance:

1. Cognitive Understanding.-Refocus toward growth. Explore what happened.
2. Emotional Resolve.-Accept the emotions that I am feeling. This is a grieving process.
3. A New Identity.-Who am I as a person? Adapt from the divorce, accept the person it has made me become.

Potential Growth Areas:

1. Emotional.
2. Relational.-Work on relationships with family members & friends.
3. Practical.-Find new ways to cope. Learn new things, skills, or hobbies.
4. Spiritual.-Again, double underlined. I have been trying to become more active in my church. Turn to God always, not just when I am in a crisis.

*Successful Grief work:*

1. Take one day at a time.-Don’t borrow trouble by worrying about tomorrow. Don’t live in the past. No what ifs allowed.
2. Value yourself.-God created me, God loves me. I am a good person. Think positively about myself.
3. Take time to grow.-Embrace the pain, learn from it, move on.
4. Get with people who are growing.
5. Seek professional help.-Do not allow myself to get too low. Depression is a slippery slope. Seeking out the Divorce Recovery group was a great first step.
6. Take what people want to give.-Accept help from others. Don’t continue to say things are ‘fine’ if they’re not.
7. **Put the past in the past.**-I struggle with this daily. Try to start every morning living in the NOW. History can repeat itself, but I cannot continue my relationship with Mr.Nascar looking over my shoulder at what happened with TheEx and worrying that it will happen with Mr.Nascar. Give him a chance.
8. Exercise your faith.-Faith is waiting and enduring. Faith is believing.

What emotions are you experiencing in the grief or divorce process?

1. Anger.-uh ya duh.
2. Hostility.-Cannot speak to TheEx without getting angry and/or upset.
3. Bitterness.-It was so easy for him to just walk away.
4. Hatred.-Hmm I’m seeing a frightening trend here.
5. Cheated.-Yes, I feel cheated on Bert©’s behalf. She is being cheated out of a father by the choices TheEx is making. Do I feel cheated on my own behalf?
6. Betrayed.-Absolutely. I feel like our whole marriage was a lie.
7. Numb.-Occasionally. Maybe sometimes it’s more like indifference.
8. Other.-Guilt & Jealousy. The jealousy part worries me. Explore those emotions further.

Complete this sentence: I have difficulty letting go of everything. I detest change.-This goes back to being fearful of the unknown. How much time have I wasted in my life being scared?

I really think I came away from tonight’s class with a lot of things to think about. Or to ‘process’ as our facilitator explained it. We have to process all the thoughts and emotions that go hand in hand with a divorce in order to grow from the experience and to move on.

I am really looking forward to next weeks class. I’m also looking forward to reading back on these entries as the weeks pass and seeing how far I have been able to come. The coping skills that I am learning will help me with my relationship with Mr.Nascar, and any future relationships I have. I am proud of myself for taking this step. It’s very hard for me to admit that I need help. I think that’s part of why it took me nearly 2 years to sign up for the workshop, I felt like I could deal with this myself. Some small part of me feels like a failure if I need to ask for help.

For the first time in a very long time, I finally feel like everything will eventually be alright. Tonight, I am at peace.

I have a date with a judge.

It’s been awhile since I blogged about my ex-husband. Probably because he’s been behaving himself. Child support has been coming regularly, and he basically keeps to himself. He doesn’t ever talk to Bert© unless she initiates contact first. How sad is that? Really, it’s all been quite on that front…but of course, all good things must come to an end at some point.

One afternoon when Bert© had talked to her father, I asked if I could speak with him. I had some general, end of school updates to give him and to ask him to email me some information. Over the course of the conversation, I enquired about his brother, and was surprised to learn that my ex-brother-in-law Gordon was getting remarried. TheEx gave me what details he happened to have, and commented that he wouldn’t be able to make it out there for the nuptials.

To say I was surprised was a bit of an understatement. I remember when Gordon and his first wife got divorced, she had cheated on him with a doctor in the practice where she worked as a medical assistant. It was a very bitter divorce and Gordon had expressed to TheEx that he was pretty much done with women in any serious way. I was very certain that Gordon was going to be a confirmed bachelor. I guess nothing is ever really set in stone, and honestly I am very happy for him as I hear that El, his new wife is a very lovely person and Gordon has become quite domesticated.

In speaking with TheEx’s mother a few days later, I asked if she was planning on attending the wedding and would she please give the couple my best regards. She was very quiet for a moment, and I felt my heart sink. I thought perhaps I had just spilled some very serious beans and was about to cause a rift in the family. She said that she was very surprised at both her son’s. She would be attending both Gordon’s & TheEx’s weddings this year.

WOAH! Rewind here.

“Oh,” I said. “I didn’t realize that he was getting married again. I knew they were living together.” TheEx’s mom apologized for leaking the news, she had assumed that he had told me. I kind of laughed then, and said “Wow. They’ve been together less than a year. I guess he really didn’t learn a thing by being married to me.”

I’m not really sure how I feel about that. I’m apprehensive about what this woman feels will be her place in Bert©’s life. When I mentioned it to Bert©, all she seemed worried about was if she was going to have wicked step-sisters or not…thank you Disney! I guess if I really, truly am honest with myself, I’m jealous of him. He has been able to completely shirk his responsibilities, do whatever he wants, go wherever he wants, and not have to give one thought about Bert©. I cannot just up and travel somewhere. I cannot change jobs. I have to worry about having health insurance for her, making sure that she has good daycare, etc. I cannot just up and move to another state as I have to consider uprooting Bert© from my mother whom she is very close to. I’m jealous that he found it so easy to find someone else, while I struggled with several unsuccessful dates, and then worried endlessly about whether or not to allow Bert© to meet Mr.Nascar. I continue to worry about the amount of time they spend together, not because I suspect anything inappropriate, but because I worry about what happens the day he isn’t around all the time anymore.

So there you have it. The green eyed monster has taken control of me. I’m also a little angry with him as well, for passing off his responsibilities with Bert© to me. I’m also a little perplexed as to why this new woman would even want to marry him? What is attractive about a man she spent nearly 6 months supporting when he couldn’t find work, who doesn’t take care of responsibilities that he has prior to their relationship? What makes her think that he’s not going to do the exact same thing to her 2, 4, or even 10 years down the road. I suppose it really isn’t something I should worry about as there is no accounting for some people’s taste.

That’s the first part of the story. The second part is where at 9am this Friday I have to be in court with said idiot as he’s petitioning to reduce the amount of child support he’s paying. I’m almost certain that will be granted to him, as he doesn’t make as much money as he did when we were together, but it sucks no matter which way you look at it. He also spent about 3-4 months not working when he first moved to be with his fiancée in Minnesota. I don’t have an attorney, and was not advised to get one. The Department of Human Services, which is handling my child support case just sent me notification that I need to attend the hearing. Thankfully MyCompany™ has been very understanding and has allowed me to take that day off, with pay, to get this sorted. I really feel deep down that this isn’t going to go in my favor, but would appreciate any and all prayers you’re willing to send.

On that same day, my father & step-mother (not evil) will be travelling in from Memphis to visit. Normally they reside in Toronto, Ontario, but my dad has some sort of conference next week in Memphis and has decided to use the opportunity of being in the same state as me, to travel out for a visit. When I mentioned to TheEx that he wouldn’t get as much time with Bert© as he thought he would, he flipped his lid. He was yelling at me that he was travelling all this way (from South Dakota to Tennessee) to see her and that what I was doing wasn’t fair. My favorite line from that conversation was where he proceeded to tell me “I’m her father, I have rights too.” It really, really took me a lot to bite my tongue and not scream at him like a wild banshee “The only F’ING reason you’re coming to see her is to take me to court to reduce the amount of support you pay me to care for her. If you really are her father, try acting like it sometime!” Instead I behaved myself and told him I’d speak with my dad and see what he could do about taking his sweet time getting here from Memphis.

I broke the news to Bert© that TheEx is getting remarried, and that she would be getting a step-mother. I guess TheEx is bringing the fiancée with him, so she will have a chance to meet Bert© before the wedding. I’m not sure how much Bert© understands, or if it makes any sense to her. She’s just happy to know that in 4 more sleeps she’ll get to see her daddy again for the first time in nearly a year. Bert© will not be attending the wedding, as the day TheEx gets remarried, we will be flying back to my hometown in Canada to spend some much needed time with my younger sister and the rest of my family.

I guess this will end up being a very busy weekend for me. Not only do I have a court appearance, but I’ll be spending some quality time with my dad on Saturday, and I’m planning on introducing Mr.Nascar to dad & step-mom. I think he’s going to do brunch with us on Sunday before they leave to head back to Memphis.

Keep your fingers crossed for me that I even survive this weekend!

A personal moment.

I want to get serious with you all for a moment. I’d like to speak openly, and candidly to you all about a problem that has affected me all of my life.

I am over-weight. I believe the correct medical term for me is obese. Two years ago, I weighed 317 lbs. My highest weight ever was when I was pregnant, and I topped out at 330. When my ex-husband walked out on me, I got angry. I told myself that I could loose the weight, and it would show him not only what he lost, but that I could survive and more importantly, that I could thrive without him. I joined an online weight loss forum, and began working out 5 days a week. On Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, I would walk for 70 minutes on my treadmill in the basement of my house. On Tuesday & Thursday, I would either do a step aerobics DVD or a weight training DVD. It wasn’t easy, my goodness some days it was hard to get motivated, but I did it.

Unfortunately the time came when I needed to find a job. My ex wasn’t sending any money andhe wasn’t paying the mortgage. When I scored my position at MyCompany™ it required a 3 hour, round trip, daily commute. I would leave at 6am on the dot, and not arrive home again until 7-7:30 in the evening. It was all I could do to eat something reasonably healthy and fall into bed. Needless to say, my exercise regimen suffered and I stopped loosing weight. The good news though, is that I didn’t gain any of it back. I just maintained what I was.

Once I moved down closer to work, and things calmed down, I began walking with one of the girls I work with twice a day. In all honesty, that’s about the only exercise I get. I come home, make dinner, and either browse the ‘net or read a book and then go to bed. I do not lead what you could call an active lifestyle. I had not really changed my eating habits, but I was trying very seriously to take smaller bites, chew thoroughly, and not eat while distracted. No reading or TV watching while I was eating.

A few months ago, my boss started back on to Weight Watchers. She was really excited about the whole experience, and I noticed other people in my department getting inspired by her lifestyle changes. I started to wonder if maybe they weren’t on to something. I spent some time talking to my boss, Deb, and started to get a basic understanding of what the program was all about. When they announced that we would begin offering Weight Watchers classes at work, I ran to get signed up. Unfortunately we fell shy of the requisite 15 people for the program, so they cancelled it. In the meantime, I had put into practice some of the tips I received from Deb, and from my online research.

I haven’t really changed my diet, although I am trying to eat more fruit & veggies, not snack between meals, not to eat after dinner, drink plenty of water, and cook at home more often. I have also been learning Tai Chi Chi Gong on Fridays during my lunch break. This past Friday was my 2nd lesson. I’m not sure if it’s psychosomatic or if the Tai Chi is really working, but on Friday night and Saturday I felt fantastic. I’m looking into also doing family Yoga  on the weekends with Bert®. I think that not only will that reduce my stress levels, it will increase my flexibility, and it’s bonding time with my baby.

I was looking at pictures of myself from 3 years ago, when I was visiting my sister for her college graduation. I was disgusted by the way I had looked back then. I compared those pictures to some more recent ones, and it began to sink in. The things people have said to me over the past few months ran through my head and I began to think: I have lost weight. I look better than I have in years. I still have this mental image in my head of being this frumpy, dumpy fat girl. I wonder if that will ever go away, or if I will always struggle with self image issues? I weighed myself on Tuesday morning and was startled to see the #’s on the scale. I started to realize that I need to be proud of myself for what I have done.

I have lost 70lbs in two years.

For the first time in my adult life, I not only weigh less than 300lbs, but I am now just under 250lbs. I have about 78 more to go to reach my ultimate goal weight of 170 lbs. I am amazed at how easy this all has been. I’m frustrated that I didn’t start this sooner. I’m so proud of myself. There was no surgery, no pills, no magic. Just a little bit of physical activity, and some better eating choices.

I don’t think I will be disappointed if I don’t reach my goal. I have ultimately bettered my health for the long term, and I can work at continuing to maintain my weight loss.

I wanted to share this with everyone, not only because I’m proud of myself, but because anyone can do this. It is never too late to take the steps to a healthier lifestyle.

I went from Phoenix Arizona all the way…

Well actually I’m leaving tomorrow to head to Phoenix. I have been so excited I can’t hardly stand it. I will be gone Thursday night and Friday night, returning on Saturday. It’s ridiculous how much pleasure I am expecting to get from this trip. Hello, Webmiss? You will be working you know! I just can’t help it. I guess I see it as a bit of adventure. I’m going somewhere I’ve never gone before, I don’t have to worry about paying for anything, and I get a little bit of a break from my everyday work to do something fun. I guess I’m just simple like that. It really doesn’t take much to make me happy.

 In other news, I completely lost my mind and joined an online dating website. I think that was one of the dumbest things I have done thus far as a single person. I have to admit that the attention is very flattering. Most of the emails I receive begin something like “Hey beautiful lady.” or “I love your profile, you’re gorgeous.” Then I remember that for most men this is a game. Emails smothered in compliments are more likely to return responses. On the other hand, I occasionally receive one that says “Hey, how’s it going?” I hate those ones as I always feel like I need to draw the other person into conversation. It would be better if they could tell me something about themselves, or ask me to expand on something in my profile.

Often, people misrepresent themselves in their profiles, or say something in an attempt to be witty that ends up making them look foolish. One gentleman started off the subject line of his email saying “Forehead space for rent”. Seriously man, need you forever sear in my brain the fact that you’re in your 30’s with a rapidly receding hair line? I know it might be wrong of me, but I can’t stand to see profiles with spelling or grammatical errors. Note to people crafting an email, or a profile to attract a mate: computer programmers created this wonderful tool called spell check, USE IT! Also, pictures are a big issue. Don’t make a psycho looking face, don’t show a picture where you were stoned and/or drunk, and for goodness sake, show a picture of your actual face, not the back of your head or the side of your face! Geeze, am I really asking for so much?

I have met several people that have contacted me via IM outside the dating site, which has had good and bad aspects as well. A few I have talked to regularly and have asked if we could move on to phone calls. I seem to feel pressured constantly. When can we talk on the phone, when can we meet in person? I hate having to repeat myself, but if I don’t set boundaries and stick with them, I’m no longer in control of the situation. A lot of these guys seem ok, but their eagerness to progress a fledgling relationship with me is a little off-putting. I like the ones who are comfortable getting to know me through the computer first, and willing to take things at my speed. I need to be careful not only for my own safety, but Bert©’s as well.

Unfortunately, one such IM could have had a nasty outcome had I not been as careful as I was. This one guy was sending me messages, and seemed normal at first. Then things turned weird. He started trying to offer me money to fulfill a fantasy of his. He started out offering $2,000. Then it was $5,000. Then it was $5,000 plus a 2003 Jeep in mint condition. The fantasy was that he has always wanted to just come over to some random girls house, have her answer the door, and just start “doing it” (his words, not mine) right away. The first time he suggested it, the answer was no. Each time he upped the ante so to speak, the answer was still no. Finally after 2 days of him messaging me with this crap each time I logged on, I told him politely that I didn’t think this was going to work, wished him the best of luck, and removed him from my messenger list. I received 2 subsequent instant messages from him, threatening me, because I refused him. I was shocked, beyond belief actually. I made sure to set my IM to ignore him, and reported him to the dating site. I was so upset that I was shaking when it was all over. I couldn’t believe someone would actually do that. There is no doubt in my mind, that had I agreed to meet him (which was NEVER an option) I would have been physically harmed in some way. I am so glad for intuition and instinct!

Since my last update Lunch Date Doug and I had several emails fly back and forth. I was very confused by what he was saying, and some of it was rather hurtful. He was making out like he didn’t even want to try and be friends with me. He even had the nerve to say that he didn’t think we had very much in common! I just thought to myself, whatever Webmiss, you don’t need this crap. I just didn’t respond and went about my merry way. About a week later, my phone rang and it was Doug. I was very surprised to have heard from him. We caught up and ended up chatting for about 90 minutes. So much for not having anything in common  I figure if nothing else, he’ll call every once in awhile and I’ll get to chat with someone outside my normal circle of friends. He has hinted that he has some issues to work out. Well I wish him luck with that endeavor, he can do so without me along for the ride.

My ex-husband called to inform me that his temp position ended. He’s not sure when he’ll be able to find work again, as the job market in BFE Minnesota is in the dumps. He is back home this week for his grandmother’s memorial. I will truly miss that woman. She welcomed me with open arms in to the family and always treated me decently. She was 95 years old, and desperately mourned her husband. It was her time, and I’m sure that she’s happy to be reunited with her husband. I only wish that I could find the type of love that lasts 60 years, like theirs did, and was only marred by the fact that grandpa died and grandma had to remain in her earthly body for 18 years without him. Their marriage was truly an inspiration to me, and I will keep that in the forefront of my mind when next I contemplate getting serious with someone.

I will close this with a challenge that was issued to me, that I would like to pass on to the rest of you. There is a sound track that has been tailor made for the current life you are living. If I were to check it out, what 10-16 songs would be listed? Title & artist please.

I have begun my list, but have to work on it. I’m interested in seeing what everyone else comes up with!

The beginning of the end?

I’m a little sad tonight. This might be one of my last few blog entries. I received my internet bill the other day and almost fainted. It appears that my promotional period is over and the full price billing has kicked in. I just cannot afford it any longer. Things are so tight for me financially, I need to cut back and make sure that the necessities are covered. The cable and internet are being turned off, I have reduced the cost of my cell phone plan. I found out that my wireless provider gives me a 17% discount because of the company I work for. That is a pretty decent discount. I’ll have to see next month how much that actually reduces my bill. Also, I have not turned the heat on at all this winter. That has enabled my electric bill has been between $31-35 a month. I live paycheck to paycheck, and it should end up being even smaller come the beginning of January as the premiums for my medical benefits are going up. I’m really trying to cut back where I can, but I tell you, it makes me depressed to know that I work 40 hours a week just to survive. It’s scary to think that my whole life might be like this!

On 11/27 the state of TN had sent a garnishment notice to Mike’s employer. I think I mentioned previously that Mike has only been able to secure temporary employment through Express Personnel in Rochester, MN. I called on 12/21 as I still had not received any support and found out that EP had ignored the request. The state sent another letter out on 12/19, and if they ignore that, there will be legal action taken against them for interference with the collection of child support. I called Mike tonight to check on the status of his job as he mentioned it was only going to be seasonal work. He said they let him know today that his employment had been extended. For how long? He has no clue, or so he says. I asked him if he talked to anyone at EP about them ignoring the wage assignment, he said that they need to be sent to the corporate office in OK. Gave me a phone # for them, so I’ll call about that tomorrow. I don’t know why the local office didn’t just shoot off the letter to corporate and let them take care of it. Goodness, I feel like I’m living on the verge of the movie Deliverance. Bunch of back water hicks I seem to be dealing with here.

I was extremely surprised that Mike sent Hailey a Christmas present. He sent her nothing for her birthday and when I questioned it, he said “Gifts just really aren’t my thing.” Yes ladies and gentlemen, that is the lovely winner that I married. What was I thinking??

 Work is ridiculously slow right now. I think I took the first phone call in our department today, at 10:00 maybe 10:15. The majority of us spent the day cruising the internet and chatting to each other. I’m leaving at 2pm tomorrow for the beginning of another 4 day weekend, WOOT! I will be heading to Gatlinburg to meet my mother and Hailey who have been there all week shopping and sight seeing. I think the plan is to meet up with some close friends of my mothers and explore Dollywood. Yes, I have been there many times before, we bought season passes with my tax return last year, but I still haven’t visited all the little nooks & crannies. Hailey gets so excited when we go, that’s what will make it worthwhile for me.

I hope everyone had a lovely Christmas. I know I sure did. I guess I’ll need to find time to blog about that too.