Cancer is such an ugly word

Mr. Nascar went to the local health department about a month after he was released. He doesn’t have any insurance and was dropped from TennCare when he was released from prison. While incarcerated, he had noticed a mole on his right shoulder blade had changed. It was an ugly little thing, so black that glistened. The health department referred him to a dermatologist to have the mole removed. He went for his office visit, they cut it out, stitched him up and he went along his merry way. He had a follow up appointment scheduled for 2 weeks later.

We both had mostly forgotten about the issue, the old “No news is good news” approach was in the back of our minds. Unfortunately that turned out not to be the case. When he arrived at his follow up appointment the doctor gave us the news that the pathology on the mole had returned, testing positive for cancer; malignant melanoma. Ugly, ugly words. I didn’t know what to do, so I did what I do best in upsetting, stressful situations. I cried. Mr. Nascar, bless his heart takes things in stride and has a very calm attitude about it. The dermatologist referred him to an Oncologist and a Surgeon. I guess they made the appointments backward, because the Oncologist was the first appointment and he couldn’t really help us seeing as he didn’t have the results from the surgery. Mr. Nascar met with the surgeon and an appointment was set for a larger area of skin to be removed around the original mole site, and for him to be injected with radioactive dye, to see if the cancer had spread.

On May 21, we arrived at the hospital at 7am. I dropped Mr. Nascar off and then whisked Bert© off to school. I was back by 8am and went to the Day Surgery area to sit with him before his surgery. I’ll never forget, he was in bed 11 and they said I could go right back. He looked so uncomfortable at 6′ 3″ trying to fit into the little hospital bed. He nodded off, but reminded me that at 8:30 I needed to go down and talk with financial services at the hospital. Without insurance, we have to pay for all of this out of pocket. The hospital has given us a 41% cash discount, but we still needed to put down a deposit before the surgery and then make payments on the $9,000-10,000 hospital bill. Ugh, even talking about it turns my stomach. I don’t know that we’ll ever be able to get out from under that, but it’s just going to have to be one step at a time.

When I finished with financial services, I went back up to sit with Mr. Nascar as his surgery wasn’t scheduled until 11. I went back to bed 11, and pulled back the curtain. To my surprise, Mr. Nascar was not there! I startled the heck out of the old man that had been assigned to that bed next. I closed the curtain, red-faced, turned on my heel and headed back to the reception area. The very nice nurse at the front desk explained that she had hoped to catch me when I came back to tell me that they had taken him on to pre-op to prep for surgery. I just smiled and told her it was too late. I suggested that she might want to check on the man in bed 11, as I’m sure I came as a little bit of a shock to him.

In the waiting lounge, I spent hours alternating between reading my book and checking the names scrolling down the TV screen that gives an update on each patient’s surgery status. I received a call from a surgical nurse when they surgery started, and again about an hour in to update me and let me know that all was well. Finally about 1:30 that afternoon the lounge nurse notified me that the surgery was over and that the doctor would be coming to talk to me.

I had never met Dr. D before, but he was very nice. He explained to me that the surgery went well. The radioactive dye had travelled to the lymph nodes under Mr. Nascar’s right arm, so he took 3-4 of those out for biopsy. He gave me some basic care instructions, and advised me that we should set a follow up appointment for two weeks. About an hour after I spoke with Dr. D I was able to go back and sit with Mr. Nascar again. He was asleep when I arrived, heavily medicated. I sat with him for awhile and quietly read my book. Around 3pm Mr. Nascar woke up and was complaining of intense pain in the incision site on his back. The nurse said she was unable to give him any more medication; we would need to wait for discharge and have his prescription filled.

We left the hospital about 4 that afternoon and went to pick up Bert©. We made our way to Wal-Mart to have his prescriptions filled. He wasn’t feeling very well and was very groggy. He went straight to sleep as soon as we arrived home. That weekend I was off on Friday & Monday for the Memorial day holiday. Friday was Bert©’s last day of school. I promised her that I would come and have lunch with her that day, and Mr. Nascar has said he would come as well. That didn’t end up happening. From Thursday afternoon after the surgery till Saturday, Mr. Nascar slept 20-21 hours a day. On Saturday we first realized he was having a fever, 102.4. Thus began the first of 3 visits to the Emergency Room to fight what we would eventually find out to be a raging Staph infection.

Life was pretty miserable for all involved for the next two weeks or so. My step-father passed away very suddenly, from what we still really don’t know. Mr. Nascar was in copious amounts of pain from the 6” incision on his back (because the skin was pulled so tight to close the wound) and from the surgery site under his arm as it was swollen from the infection.

Then, more bad news came along. The pathology on the lymph nodes had come back. They had tested positive for cancer. Dr. D thought it would be best for him to go operate again on Mr. Nascar to remove the rest of the lymph nodes under his right arm. First though, we needed to clear up his current infection and give him some additional time to heal. We used that time to take off for a family vacation in Florida. We needed that, all of us. It was time to relax, and enjoy each others company without the pressure and stress of everyday life.

On Tuesday July 14, Dr. D again operated on Mr. Nascar. The difference between this surgery and the previous one is very noticeable. Mr. Nascar was awake as soon as I came back to the recovery room. He has had a full and voracious appetite. He hasn’t been sleeping most of his days away. He has been up and around, and joking with me. So far (fingers crossed, please) there has been no sign of an infection. Mr. Nascar started taking antibiotics a week prior to surgery and will continue them for 20 days afterward to hopefully thwart another infection. He says that his arm is sore, and he cannot raise it very high, and the drain that he has for the next two weeks is annoying, and things don’t taste right because of the antibiotics, and, and, and. He is back to his *relatively* normal self again. I am happy to see it. He’s itching to go back to work, but I’d like him to be out for at least a week, especially with the drain in.

He has a follow up appointment in two weeks with Dr. D. Hopefully we will have the pathology back on the remaining lymph nodes that were removed. Dr. D said that he didn’t see anything obvious that looked bad, however it’s harder to tell in men than it is in women. I don’t see that it matters much regardless because Mr. Nascar has decided not to follow up with the Oncologist. He is adamant that he doesn’t want any Chemotherapy or Radiation treatment. He tells me that he’s 42 years old and that his only regret if he dies would be leaving me and Bert© behind. He says he is not scared of dying, that he is looking forward to what happens when he passes from this life.

I am not happy about this decision, but it is not my place to force him to choose otherwise. He is a grown man and is perfectly capable of making choices in his life, he got along fine for 40 some odd years without me and he doesn’t need my opinions now. He spent 11 years caring for his mother and watching her die. He knows some of what it’s like to go through those treatments, and understands the disappointment when they don’t work. His theory is, why not enjoy the time that I do have left with the people I love, instead of making myself feel sick and miserable with the medication that’s supposed to help me and dying anyway. I really can’t fault him on his logic. Regardless, it’s plausible that I could be killed in a tragic accident and die before he does anyway. Who knows? From the moment we’re born we begin dying. Might as well make the most of it.

That being said, I’m going to go wake his butt up right now, give him and big hug and tell him how much I love him. Thank you all for letting me share this with you. It was finally time and it needed to come off my chest.

Happy Saturday everyone!

T’was the night before Christmas.

Well not exactly Christmas, but it is the night before Mr. Nascar’s parole hearing. I am sitting in a hotel 40 miles from anywhere, but just down the road from the prison. It is 3:48am and although I am yawning like a lazy cat, I can’t sleep any longer.

I don’t know how to describe it. I have such a mix of emotions going through my heart right now. My mind is racing and I don’t know how to stop it. I figured that maybe if I wrote about it, I might be able to process some of the information and I can maybe go back to sleep for at least an hour or two before it’s time.

A small part of me is excited. We have waited for this day for 7 long months. I prepared an entire parole packet, in addition to the letter that I personally wrote. When I finally mailed it in, I sent Mr. Nascar a copy of just the paperwork, not the pretty bound and colorful edition that I sent to the board. He showed it to Mr. P who is the facilitator of the Pre-Release class that Mr. Nascar is in. Mr. P said he was impressed with what I had put together and asked for my permission to use a copy of it as part of his class. He is going to use it as an example of what can be done to prepare and get organized before the parole hearing, and to show that a little initiative can go a long way. Like Mr. Nascar says: “No matter what happens, we’ll go up there and know that we did everything possible.” Maybe, just maybe, what I’ve been able to put together will show the parole board that I am a good person, and that Mr. Nascar now has 2 very positive people in his life who care about him very much. That moral support is very important in keeping recidivism down.

I’m excited about the possibility that we might be in the final stretch of all this. He could be home by the end of March, beginning of April if things go the right way. It will take 10 days for the final decision to come back, then a parole officer will need to come to the house to check out his “home plan” and to the place where he is going to be working to check out his “job plan”. After that it would be about another week for them to get his paperwork together, and then my next trip out here would be to come and get him from this horrible place.

On the other hand, part of me is so scared that he’s going to be denied today. I dreamt the other night that they put him off for a year. They would have any number of reasons making such a decision. I think the most logical might be that they don’t feel he has served enough time yet to learn a lesson from all this. They might grant him parole but tell him he has to wait 6 months before he can be released. If that is the case it would be the end of August and he would have been gone more than a year at that point. They could deny him out right and tell him to come back in a year. They could deny him and tell him to come back in 6 months. They could recommend him for parole and then it gets over turned when the final decision comes back from Nashville. There are just too many variables in this situation for my liking.

I’m also scared about the possibility of him coming home. I have gotten used to being independent again. I have my house and I have it set up MY way. When he was out, we were talking about moving in together, but we were looking for a place to live. That would have been neutral ground, it would have been a melange of his stuff and my stuff. I wasn’t able to get a lot of his stuff from his old house before his sorry @ss roommate called good will and told them to take whatever they can carry. I’m worried that he’s going to feel displaced when he gets home. I’m worried that I’m not going to be any good at sharing now. I’m worried that we’re not going to be able to stand each other when he comes home, and that it’s not going to take us long to destroy our relationship. Because of all the BS that TheEx is pulling lately, I’m worried that Mr. Nascar has just been taking me for a ride. Part of me thinks, well if TheEx was able to take advantage of me so easily, maybe my judgement isn’t sound and Mr. Nascar was able just to step right in and say the right words, pull the right strings, and voila here I am making a fool of myself again.

I talked to him tonight before I went to bed. He said he’s excited about today and there’s no doubt in my mind that right now he is also sitting up in his bunk with a million thoughts streaming through his head. He has been a complete basket case for the last two weeks, he even admits to it. I told him the other night that I’m going to need to buy some pom-poms if I need to keep up the cheer leading. I’m happy to do it though, as it keeps my mind off things, but the drive here yesterday was nothing but blank time for my mind to roam free with worry and fear.

I guess we’ll just have to wait and see. I’m going to start getting ready at 6:30 which is about 2 hours from now. I really need to lay back down and try to go to sleep. I just need to keep reminding myself that God is with us, and all of this is in His hands now. Whatever happens is meant to happen.

Part II

I started this post in September, revisited it again in October, and hopefully will publish it today, in December. It has been a very very rough few months.

Thank you all for your wonderful and supportive comments on my last post. I finally have a few minutes to myself so I can write about what happened next.

He handed over his cell phone and his bank cards, kissed me good bye, and was handcuffed and led away.

That was 39 days ago today. So much has happened in those 39 days. The time has passed so quickly, and yet at the same time it has dragged on. I cannot believe that all happened more than a month ago.

This is the first time I have ever experienced anything like this. Everything that is happening is so far out of the realm of anything I have ever dealt with, it’s mind boggling. The evening that he was taken (07/29/08), I didn’t even know where he was going. I drove over to his house to let his roommate know what had happened and to go over the instructions that Mr. Nascar had given me for the rest of the jobs for the week. Every time I even mentioned his name I started to cry. Luckily Bert© was on summer break from school and was up at my moms. I am grateful to God that she didn’t have to see what I saw, nor see me fall very thoroughly to pieces that evening.

At home, it took me a long time to fall asleep that night. Mr. Nascar called me at 1am, and while I was grateful to hear his voice, it wasn’t good news. He had an outstanding warrant from 2002 in the county that I live in, so they were going to arraign him on those charges in the morning. I called in sick the next day and was waiting in the courtroom to hear what the judge had to say. I thought seeing him arrested was hard. Seeing him brought into the courtroom wearing an awful, ill fitting, day-glow orange jumpsuit; shackles around his ankles, and his hands cuffed in frontof him and then attached to a chain around his waist was the worst. I sat in the back of the courtroom and wept. I was forbidden from speaking to him or trying to communicate with him non-verbally. The bailiff called his name and he stood up before the judge. He was reminded of his charges: possession of drug paraphernalia. He was advised that a sentencing hearing would be scheduled for August 5th and that because Knox county had requested a hold on him, he was not allowed to bond out of jail.

I was the last person to exit the courtroom, and I had several hours to kill before I could head out for visitation. Up until that day, I didn’t know where the courthouse or the jail were located in Anderson county. Like I said before, this has really been an education.

I’ll stop there, because honestly I don’t really feel the need to go into minute detail about everything that has happened. Suffice it to say, Mr. Nascarand I are still together, and we’re hanging in there by our finger nails. On Monday it will have been 5 months since he was arrested. He was transferred to prison in early September, and is housed in West Tennessee, roughly 6 hours from here. I have made the trip 4 times to go and see him, usually once a month. It is an undignified experience to be frisked by a woman, told what I can and cannot wear, and be under constant supervision while visiting him. While I know that I am not there with any malicious intention or mischievousplan, there are many others in my same shoes that do take risks with their visitation to bring contraband to their loved ones.

I haven’t felt a yearning to write, and I’m disappointed in myself for that. Bloggingwas my escape from the real world problems, a place where I could be so incredibly honest about my thoughts and feelings, and I feel that I have lost that. My days are filled with work, and Bert©, and Mr. Nascar. I try to make sure that I write to him each evening before I go to bed, and we talk once a day on the phone.  I understand that I have choices in this life, and my choice is, at least for the immediate future, to be there for him and support our relationship through this difficult time.

I have been working dilligently on his parole packet. He was told by his counselor that he should go before the parole board in February. I am trying to gather all of our ducks in a row so that we can be as prepared as possible. Mr. Nascar says that no matter what happens it will be fine because we’ll be as prepared as possible and will have the satisfaction of knowing that we did our best whether he is paroled or not. I have no idea which way it will go, and I’m very frightened that they will put him off for a year or two. While I’m definitely a strong person, I don’t know that I’m that strong.

Bert© and I have moved, we were living with friends of ours for a couple months to get back on our feet. TheExhas stopped paying child support again. He told me that he was laid off, and he refuses to sign up for unemployment because “after you get money for child support I’d only bring home like $100 a week and it’s just not worth it.” Oh isn’t he just a joy?

Hopefully this is the jumping off point for me. I might need to blog from work on my lunch hour to make time for it, but I need to start doing this again. I promise I’ll take down the cobwebs soon, stay a while and see what I have to say.

A special thanks to Maxxy for coming in repeatedly to check on me. I really appreciate that hun, not sure if you even know how much.

Divorce Recovery

Tonight I embarked on a path of growth and self-healing. Mr. Nascar has been wanting to progress our relationship. He has even gone so far as to mention the “M” word. I refuse to acknowledge or encourage that thought process at this time. I love him. More than I have loved anyone in a long time, but considering we haven’t been together all that long, and he has been physically removed from our relationship for the foreseeable future…now is not the time to be considering such things.

Regardless of that, I have blogged before about a somewhat irrational fear that I have about getting remarried. I had thought for a long time that perhaps I needed to actually do something, to seek out some type of professional help to allow me to heal from my divorce. It was time to rip off the proverbial band-aid. Suck it up, Webmiss! I can be such a wimp sometimes. So, in travelling around the world wide web, I came across a Divorce Recovery workshop that was being offered at the local Methodist church. Tonight was my first meeting. We’ll meet every Tuesday night for the next 6 weeks.

I have to admit, so far I have been pretty impressed. Here are a few of the profound things that jumped out at me during tonights session. The parts in blue are the questions/statements from the workbook. My notes follow after the hyphens.

How to know when to let go in a relationship:

1. Do you both want the relationship?-No, he obviously didn’t. Thinking back on it, I really didn’t either, but couldn’t see it at the time.
2. Will both parties accept professional help? -No. We had discussed it previously when we first noticed some problems in our marriage. If we had really wanted to fix things, they we would have made every effort.
3. How destructive is the relationship?-We were very toxic to each other. We did not know, or care, to communicate effectively.
4. How ingrained are the patterns?-We did not learn from our mistakes, nor did we make any effort to correct destructive behaviors. Learn from this!!

Healthy & Unhealthy Reasons we have trouble letting go:
Healthy:

1. Bonding.
2. Fear.-Underlined. I feared the unknown. I feared the future without TheEx.
3. Security.
4. Loss.

*Side note: It struck me as odd that there were “healthy” reasons for not letting go. I guess I always associated not letting go with weakness and dependency and therefore thought that all the reasons for not letting go would be unhealthy.

Unhealthy:

1. Dependency.-I could not see where TheEx ended and I began. I did not have my own identity.
2. Denial.
3. Avoidance.-I bargained with TheEx for the relationship. If I do X will you stay with me then? I even begged. Not something I am proud of to this day.
4. Guilt.-Double underlined. Nearly 2 years post divorce I still place the majority of the blame on myself for the ending of our relationship.

Steps toward acceptance:

1. Cognitive Understanding.-Refocus toward growth. Explore what happened.
2. Emotional Resolve.-Accept the emotions that I am feeling. This is a grieving process.
3. A New Identity.-Who am I as a person? Adapt from the divorce, accept the person it has made me become.

Potential Growth Areas:

1. Emotional.
2. Relational.-Work on relationships with family members & friends.
3. Practical.-Find new ways to cope. Learn new things, skills, or hobbies.
4. Spiritual.-Again, double underlined. I have been trying to become more active in my church. Turn to God always, not just when I am in a crisis.

*Successful Grief work:*

1. Take one day at a time.-Don’t borrow trouble by worrying about tomorrow. Don’t live in the past. No what ifs allowed.
2. Value yourself.-God created me, God loves me. I am a good person. Think positively about myself.
3. Take time to grow.-Embrace the pain, learn from it, move on.
4. Get with people who are growing.
5. Seek professional help.-Do not allow myself to get too low. Depression is a slippery slope. Seeking out the Divorce Recovery group was a great first step.
6. Take what people want to give.-Accept help from others. Don’t continue to say things are ‘fine’ if they’re not.
7. **Put the past in the past.**-I struggle with this daily. Try to start every morning living in the NOW. History can repeat itself, but I cannot continue my relationship with Mr.Nascar looking over my shoulder at what happened with TheEx and worrying that it will happen with Mr.Nascar. Give him a chance.
8. Exercise your faith.-Faith is waiting and enduring. Faith is believing.

What emotions are you experiencing in the grief or divorce process?

1. Anger.-uh ya duh.
2. Hostility.-Cannot speak to TheEx without getting angry and/or upset.
3. Bitterness.-It was so easy for him to just walk away.
4. Hatred.-Hmm I’m seeing a frightening trend here.
5. Cheated.-Yes, I feel cheated on Bert©’s behalf. She is being cheated out of a father by the choices TheEx is making. Do I feel cheated on my own behalf?
6. Betrayed.-Absolutely. I feel like our whole marriage was a lie.
7. Numb.-Occasionally. Maybe sometimes it’s more like indifference.
8. Other.-Guilt & Jealousy. The jealousy part worries me. Explore those emotions further.

Complete this sentence: I have difficulty letting go of everything. I detest change.-This goes back to being fearful of the unknown. How much time have I wasted in my life being scared?

I really think I came away from tonight’s class with a lot of things to think about. Or to ‘process’ as our facilitator explained it. We have to process all the thoughts and emotions that go hand in hand with a divorce in order to grow from the experience and to move on.

I am really looking forward to next weeks class. I’m also looking forward to reading back on these entries as the weeks pass and seeing how far I have been able to come. The coping skills that I am learning will help me with my relationship with Mr.Nascar, and any future relationships I have. I am proud of myself for taking this step. It’s very hard for me to admit that I need help. I think that’s part of why it took me nearly 2 years to sign up for the workshop, I felt like I could deal with this myself. Some small part of me feels like a failure if I need to ask for help.

For the first time in a very long time, I finally feel like everything will eventually be alright. Tonight, I am at peace.

The one where she writes about the whole ordeal – Part I

I am sure this is going to be a long and exhausting post to write. I’m equally sure it will be incredibly cathartic for me, as I no longer feel like I can keep this all bottled up inside me. I may have people that do not agree with the choices I have decided to make, and those people may express their opinions as such, but this is my blog, and therefore I decide the content and this, this ordeal in my life is what I need to write about now.

I guess it all started, well it started back when I met Mr. Nascar. I believe I blogged about what a horrid first date we had, but he was persistent and managed to convince me to go on another date with him. The positive in that is that I had a fabulous time. Over the course of several months, we dated casually, as I was still dating 2 or 3 other people. As the weeks passed, it’s like everyone else slipped away until there was just Mr. Nascar. We started spending more and more time together. He met Bert© and while I was apprehensive about that at the time, he has given me no cause to regret that decision. Once Bert© went off to stay with my mother for the summer, if I wasn’t at Mr. Nascar’s house, he was at mine.

Eventually we discussed moving in together, and actually started looking for places to rent. That’s when it happened, that fateful Thursday night. I was laying in bed next to Mr. Nascar and could not stop fidgeting. “What’s wrong?” he asked me. “Nothing”, I replied. Which of course is woman speak for HOW CAN YOU NOT KNOW WHAT’S WRONG!! I think he tried to ignore me for awhile, but it didn’t last. I guess he has learned some things in his 41 years on this earth. Finally he turned to me and said “Whatever it is, it’s ok to tell me. If I don’t know what’s wrong, I don’t know how to fix it.” So, I took a great deep breath and said “I want to tell you, but I’m so scared.” I literally felt like my heart was going to explode out of my chest if I didn’t tell him what was on my mind. Now please keep in mind, that while I am rather mature, I am still only 26. Yes I have been married, and divorced, and have a child, but most of my relationships have been rather disastrous and I’m a little gun shy. Mr. Nascar held me tight and said “It’s ok, you don’t have to tell me you love me. I already know.” Well, I guess I had worked myself into such a state of anxiety over wanting to tell him that I was in love with him, and worrying about what his answer would be, that I didn’t listen carefully to what he was saying. I thought he was saying that he didn’t want me to tell him that I love him. So in my idiotic frame of mind, I said to him, “Uhh, I need to go home. Right now. Ya, I need to go home.” and I started to get out of bed.

He asked where I was going, and tried to pull me back down beside him. My heart was just racing and I was so close to tears. “I just need to go home. I can’t do this right now.” I said. He told me to look at him, and asked me to explain, because he didn’t understand what was going on. “I guess I just got the wrong idea about how serious our relationship was. Please let me go, I need to leave.” was my response. He said he didn’t know what I was talking about, of course our relationship was serious. He asked me what was wrong with me, in the tone of voice that someone uses when they speak to someone who is on the edge and about to go over. I rolled to face him and buried my face in his chest. “I know you might not want to hear it, but it’s the truth. I love you.” I said to him. “I love you too, Webmiss. I love Bert© as well.” he said. He kissed me on the forehead and asked me what in the world that was all about. I explained to him that the last time I had told someone that I loved them, their response was, well not very reassuring. I had agonized for several weeks over whether or not to tell him, and mostly I was just scared that his reaction was going to be negative. I was living in fear because of things that had happened in another relationship, and that wasn’t fair to him. I was so glad that I got that off my chest. We cuddled up and drifted off to sleep. I probably slept all night with a great big smile on my face.

We spent the whole weekend together, I think we went to the drive-in on Saturday night with his roommate and another friend. It was lovely. That is, until Monday when I received a phone call from him at work. Lord, my stomach clenches just thinking about talking about it, and it’s been more than a month since this happened. Anyway, it was probably about 3:30-4pm on Monday the 28^thwhen he called me at work. I could tell right away that something was wrong. “Can you please come straight to your house after work? I have something to discuss with you.” I told him sure, and we hung up. “Ohh that’s not good at all.” I remember saying. My across the wall cube mate asked what was going on and I told her. She was so optimistic. “It’s not bad news! I bet he’s going to ask you to marry him.” she told me. I disagreed, I definitely felt like the big break up was coming. Throughout our whole relationship I have wondered what it is he sees in me. There’s 15 years between us, although I never think about it unless he talks about a generational reference. Like TV show that I would only have seen in reruns. He actually very good looking, and he’s taken good care of himself over the years. If I had to have guessed his age, I don’t think I would have put him at being in his 40’s. I guess I really am pretty insecure about myself, and what I would have to offer to a man. And as always, in the back of my mind is the little voice that tells me that everyone else has left me, it should just be a matter of time before he does.

So I drive home that evening, as fast as I’m able. My head is just spinning in circles wondering what it could be, and preparing myself for the worst. I opened the door to my apartment and called out. He was sitting at the dining room table surrounded by paperwork. I could see that he was writing out detailed instructions, but for what, I had no idea. I sat down with him at the table and said, ok what’s going on? He turned to me and said, “Remember that drug test I told you I failed?” instantly my heart sank into my stomach, I knew this wasn’t going to be good. I nodded, and he continued. “I called probation this morning, and there is a warrant out for my arrest.” I just nodded again, like a little bobble head. I didn’t feel capable of more response than that. “I need to get these jobs finished this week, I have two days that I need to run three crews and I want to make sure all this is taken care of. Once this week is finished out, I’ll have you take me down so I can turn myself in.” I swallowed a couple times, and then started to cry. “Please, please don’t cry. Everything will be alright.” He caught me up in a big hug. “I love you,” he breathed into my hair “Please be strong, for the both of us.” We sat at the table for a very long time. He explained that he was writing out instructions for me to be able to keep things running if for some reason things didn’t go according to plan. We went out for a quick dinner and then tried to go to sleep. We talked for a very long, long time that night.

I guess I should pause the story here and try to explain why all this was happening. When Mr. Nascar’s mom was very sick for a long time. She lived with him, and he cared for her until the day she died. He made poor choices on how to deal with his pain, such as taking her prescription medication to numb himself toward the difficult situation he was dealing with. Unfortunately as time went on and he became addicted to the drugs, he was searching for new ways to get high. That is when he started doing cocaine. In 2002 Mr. Nascar was definitely running with the wrong crowd. He didn’t care about anything, his mom had died by that point, and nothing else mattered to him. One afternoon he was running some errands with a “friend” of his. His associate asked him to stop at a convenience store so he could run in and get a few things. When he came out of the store, Mr. Nascar drove away and things were business as usual. That is of course, until the police pulled them over. They were both arrested in connection with robbing that convenience store, and Mr. Nascar was also charged with possession of an illegal substance.

Mr. Nascar spent 18 months in the county jail, and was eventually convicted of 2 counts aggravated robbery. His partner was convicted of 7 counts of robbery. Mr. Nascar received two consecutive 6 year sentences and was released to community corrections, and their probation program. He did not thrive on that program. He became increasingly depressed and frustrated. People wouldn’t hire him, because of his back ground. Without a job, he was in violation of his probation and at risk for going back to jail. In 2004 he requested a travel permit to go to another state and visit his brother. He didn’t come back. He spent nearly 2 years living i. His brother helped him get a job, and begin to gain back his confidence. He started his business down there, and finally felt like he was worth something again. In 2006 he was pulled over during a routine traffic stop, and ended up being extradited back to Tennessee. His attorney managed to keep him from going to prison that time, and he was placed back on probation. He’s been here ever since, working on building his business and making contacts with people who can help him get on the Nascar or Golf circuit.

Then of course, late last year we met and started dating. It wasn’t until the end of April that things turned serious and he confided in me about the things in his past, so I knew what I was dealing when all this started. I am impressed that he was able to take such a negative series of events in his life and turn them into something positive. Most people when they fall into that way of life, never climb back out. Things were going well until that fateful day in July when he took some pain medication for his back and it caused him to fail a drug test, and violate his probation.

Now, back to the original story. On Tuesday, the morning after he told me there were warrants for his arrest, I went to work as normal. I spoke with my manager and asked him if I could leave early that afternoon. He agreed and as soon as 2pm rolled around, I raced home to be with Mr. Nascar. We sat on the couch together for a long time, going over plans and instructions and just spending quality time together. Eventually we went to the grocery store so I could make dinner, and then we rented a movie. About 9pm that evening, we sat down to eat dinner. I was getting something from the fridge in the kitchen when Mr. Nascar asked me about the strange car that was parked in the middle of the street in front of my apartment complex. I had never seen it before, and I got up to close the curtains. Mr. Nascar went into the kitchen to look out the window and noticed 2 police cruisers drive by. “They’re coming for me.” he said. “No, they can’t be. They don’t know you’re with me.” I replied. My heart was pounding and I felt like I was going to throw up everything I had just eaten. Suddenly the phone rang. I swear I almost wet myself. I was wound tighter than spring. It was only my mom and I told her I couldn’t talk right then. Mr. Nascar was still looking out the window so I went to my room. I threw myself on the bed and just completely went to pieces. I cried so hard I couldn’t breathe. He climbed onto the bed with me and was holding me, rocking me gently trying to calm me down. “We can try to leave, if you want.” he told me. I disagreed. If they were coming to get him, I didn’t want to get myself into any trouble. He went over the instructions that he’d given me 3 or 4 more times. He kept saying to me “Do you understand?”. I finally yelled at him that I was just upset, not stupid. I was cold and couldn’t stop shaking. Looking back on it, I think I was going into shock.

Finally, the knock came at the door. “Answer the door, and don’t try to pretend I’m not here. Just let them in to come and get me, honey.” I agreed and went to answer the door. Two police officers were standing in my darkened door way. “Is Mr. Nascar here?” I just nodded my head and opened the door wider. They stepped inside and he came out from the bedroom. I will give the officers credit, they were very kind to both me and Mr. Nascar. I was standing in the hallway weeping and sniffling, and they told me it would be ok for me to come into the living room and sit beside him. He handed over his cell phone and his bank cards, kissed me good bye, and was handcuffed and led away.

That was 39 days ago today. So much has happened in those 39 days. The time has passed so quickly, and yet at the same time it has dragged on. I cannot believe that all happened more than a month ago. I miss him, terribly, each day. Bert© knows nothing. We told her that he needed to leave and help his brother with some family stuff in another state. He occasionally talks to her, but often just the thought of her is enough to make him cry, and he doesn’t want to make her upset. His brother has been kind enough to mail post cards from his state, on behalf of Mr. Nascar.

Stay tuned for the next exciting installment of bad crap that happens in my life!

The one where Mr.Nascar & Webmiss need your prayers

All,

I cannot go into detail at the moment but there have been some very bad things happen in the last week or so to Mr. Nascar. Both of us desperately need all the prayers, and finger crossings we can get.

Mr.Nascar basically needs a miracle, and I need the strength, courage, and faith to stand by him during this difficult time.

I’m sorry for not being there for any of my blog friends for the last month, but there have been some very heavy and emotionally stressful things happening in my life, beginning with the visit of TheEx. The majority of it occurring in the last 7 days.

I think of you all often, and wish that I could be there for you as everyone has something going on in their real life that they need support for. Hopefully my next blog entry will be a long update followed by some much needed good news.

Thank you all!

Webmiss

Jeff and I are done.

I hadn’t heard from Jeff in a long time. I knew he was busy with family, especially with his kids on break from school and travelling to visit his parents. I didn’t give it much thought, but I sent him a text message to wish him ‘Merry Christmas’. I did not receive a response with piqued my interest and honestly pissed me off.He had mentioned that he was going to be home sometime after the beginning of the year. I waited a few days seeing if I could catch him online, but nothing. I sent him an email this past Sunday night, just trying to see how he was, if he had a good trip, if he’d had any luck trying to get his career jump started. I figured on a response either that night or early in the week. Instead I got this:

Webmiss,

I’ve had difficulty writing this note, but in fairness to you, I don’t think I can delay any longer.As of New Years’, I have a girlfriend that I am committing myself to. Although I respect you and value our friendship greatly, this means that the basis of our delightful times together will change. Like you, I will always treasure the times we’ve spent together, and nothing can reverse “Time’s Arrow” and take them away from either of us. My feelings of affection and respect for you are still of the highest nature. We know that our time together has been a profound experience for us both.I hope that we stay in contact and that you consider me a dear friend still in whom you can share your life’s successes and challenges. As I do you.

Take care.

With love and affection always,
Jeff

So that’s it. That’s the end of that relationship. All the talk of: “We’ll make 26 a good year for you, Webmiss.” and “Would you like to travel with me? We could go to Las Vegas for the weekend, or New York.” or even “I’d like to continue to see you, I wouldn’t want to go more than 2 months between visits, that seems about the right time length.” It’s over. Not only did he kill our relationship, I think he killed our friendship too. I wish that we hadn’t changed the dynamic of our relationship. Going from just friends to “something” more will prevent me from really being able to truly be his friend in the future. I don’t want to hear about this new woman and how happy he is. If we had stayed just friends, then I would have been able to be the supportive influence in his life. I wrote him back and said that I was disappointed, but happy for him. I didn’t think that being friends was possible right now, I’m not that big of a person. Maybe with time that will change. I wished him well and sent the email.

Then I spent the rest of the afternoon between bummed and outright crying. My life is a total mess right now, between Jeff, Mr. Nascar and I having a bit of a downer for a date, and Doug.

I don’t want to run an hide…but I do think that maybe all this trauma happening to me while I live in TN is God trying to tell me that this is no longer where I’m supposed to be. Maybe it’s time for a pow-wow with my priest. I’m definitely in need of some serious confession, that much I know.

I hope you all take care. I will not be able to check comments as often as I used to. I will try to update, as when I’m on lunch at work I can use the internet for personal things. I’m bad at returning emails, but I will try! It’s webmiss1981@yahoo.com I have enjoyed getting to know all of you, and I really will miss you. Please everyone take care, and find happiness, no matter what changes you have to make in your life!!

*hugs & kisses*

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