January 20, 2009

Today the United States of America welcomed a new president. Congratulations to Mr. Barak Obama.

I was unable to watch the inauguration today because I’m hardly working, I mean hard at work. We were allowed to log onto a news website to watch the live coverage but unfortunately most places couldn’t support the crush of people wanting to watch the new president talk. I did manage to catch Mr. Obama’s speech on the local radio station though. The man sure can give a good speech. He is probably the most convincing public speaker I have heard in a very long time. I would have to say that Michelle Obama must be incredibly proud of her husband right now.

Today is a new day. The possibilities for the future are endless. Our lives will be what we make of them. Myself, personally I am going to try and be more positive about things and to really work on worrying less. I saw an interesting marquee at a local church the other day; “Why worry when you can pray.” I wholeheartedly agree and that will be my practice going forward.

Welcome 2009 and President Obama, I can’t wait to see what you have in store for me!

This just in…breaking news

 

I can hardly believe it. We finally have a date for Mr. Nascar’s parole hearing.

02-25-2009

I’m so scared, and yet at the same time it is such a relief to know…something, anything. I have finished his parole packet. I am just waiting on some letters that I sent out to be signed and returned to me.

Please keep your fingers and toes crossed for us!

Oh the wonders of the World Wide Web

In my internet travels this evening, I ran across a blog written by a young woman. She is a vegan and blogs not only about her life, but the food that she loves to eat, and even posts pictures & recipes of the vegan food she prepares. She has come up with a little blog challenge that I really thought was incredibly thoughtful. Please go and check out this specific post on what she wants for Christmas. She has offered to donate 20 cents to the ENOUGH Project for each comment that is left on her blog on that specific post. That’s all you have to do, just go and make a little comment and the charity will be getting some money. So go forth people, and comment!

Divorce Recovery

Tonight I embarked on a path of growth and self-healing. Mr. Nascar has been wanting to progress our relationship. He has even gone so far as to mention the “M” word. I refuse to acknowledge or encourage that thought process at this time. I love him. More than I have loved anyone in a long time, but considering we haven’t been together all that long, and he has been physically removed from our relationship for the foreseeable future…now is not the time to be considering such things.

Regardless of that, I have blogged before about a somewhat irrational fear that I have about getting remarried. I had thought for a long time that perhaps I needed to actually do something, to seek out some type of professional help to allow me to heal from my divorce. It was time to rip off the proverbial band-aid. Suck it up, Webmiss! I can be such a wimp sometimes. So, in travelling around the world wide web, I came across a Divorce Recovery workshop that was being offered at the local Methodist church. Tonight was my first meeting. We’ll meet every Tuesday night for the next 6 weeks.

I have to admit, so far I have been pretty impressed. Here are a few of the profound things that jumped out at me during tonights session. The parts in blue are the questions/statements from the workbook. My notes follow after the hyphens.

How to know when to let go in a relationship:

1. Do you both want the relationship?-No, he obviously didn’t. Thinking back on it, I really didn’t either, but couldn’t see it at the time.
2. Will both parties accept professional help? -No. We had discussed it previously when we first noticed some problems in our marriage. If we had really wanted to fix things, they we would have made every effort.
3. How destructive is the relationship?-We were very toxic to each other. We did not know, or care, to communicate effectively.
4. How ingrained are the patterns?-We did not learn from our mistakes, nor did we make any effort to correct destructive behaviors. Learn from this!!

Healthy & Unhealthy Reasons we have trouble letting go:
Healthy:

1. Bonding.
2. Fear.-Underlined. I feared the unknown. I feared the future without TheEx.
3. Security.
4. Loss.

*Side note: It struck me as odd that there were “healthy” reasons for not letting go. I guess I always associated not letting go with weakness and dependency and therefore thought that all the reasons for not letting go would be unhealthy.

Unhealthy:

1. Dependency.-I could not see where TheEx ended and I began. I did not have my own identity.
2. Denial.
3. Avoidance.-I bargained with TheEx for the relationship. If I do X will you stay with me then? I even begged. Not something I am proud of to this day.
4. Guilt.-Double underlined. Nearly 2 years post divorce I still place the majority of the blame on myself for the ending of our relationship.

Steps toward acceptance:

1. Cognitive Understanding.-Refocus toward growth. Explore what happened.
2. Emotional Resolve.-Accept the emotions that I am feeling. This is a grieving process.
3. A New Identity.-Who am I as a person? Adapt from the divorce, accept the person it has made me become.

Potential Growth Areas:

1. Emotional.
2. Relational.-Work on relationships with family members & friends.
3. Practical.-Find new ways to cope. Learn new things, skills, or hobbies.
4. Spiritual.-Again, double underlined. I have been trying to become more active in my church. Turn to God always, not just when I am in a crisis.

*Successful Grief work:*

1. Take one day at a time.-Don’t borrow trouble by worrying about tomorrow. Don’t live in the past. No what ifs allowed.
2. Value yourself.-God created me, God loves me. I am a good person. Think positively about myself.
3. Take time to grow.-Embrace the pain, learn from it, move on.
4. Get with people who are growing.
5. Seek professional help.-Do not allow myself to get too low. Depression is a slippery slope. Seeking out the Divorce Recovery group was a great first step.
6. Take what people want to give.-Accept help from others. Don’t continue to say things are ‘fine’ if they’re not.
7. **Put the past in the past.**-I struggle with this daily. Try to start every morning living in the NOW. History can repeat itself, but I cannot continue my relationship with Mr.Nascar looking over my shoulder at what happened with TheEx and worrying that it will happen with Mr.Nascar. Give him a chance.
8. Exercise your faith.-Faith is waiting and enduring. Faith is believing.

What emotions are you experiencing in the grief or divorce process?

1. Anger.-uh ya duh.
2. Hostility.-Cannot speak to TheEx without getting angry and/or upset.
3. Bitterness.-It was so easy for him to just walk away.
4. Hatred.-Hmm I’m seeing a frightening trend here.
5. Cheated.-Yes, I feel cheated on Bert©’s behalf. She is being cheated out of a father by the choices TheEx is making. Do I feel cheated on my own behalf?
6. Betrayed.-Absolutely. I feel like our whole marriage was a lie.
7. Numb.-Occasionally. Maybe sometimes it’s more like indifference.
8. Other.-Guilt & Jealousy. The jealousy part worries me. Explore those emotions further.

Complete this sentence: I have difficulty letting go of everything. I detest change.-This goes back to being fearful of the unknown. How much time have I wasted in my life being scared?

I really think I came away from tonight’s class with a lot of things to think about. Or to ‘process’ as our facilitator explained it. We have to process all the thoughts and emotions that go hand in hand with a divorce in order to grow from the experience and to move on.

I am really looking forward to next weeks class. I’m also looking forward to reading back on these entries as the weeks pass and seeing how far I have been able to come. The coping skills that I am learning will help me with my relationship with Mr.Nascar, and any future relationships I have. I am proud of myself for taking this step. It’s very hard for me to admit that I need help. I think that’s part of why it took me nearly 2 years to sign up for the workshop, I felt like I could deal with this myself. Some small part of me feels like a failure if I need to ask for help.

For the first time in a very long time, I finally feel like everything will eventually be alright. Tonight, I am at peace.

A personal moment.

I want to get serious with you all for a moment. I’d like to speak openly, and candidly to you all about a problem that has affected me all of my life.

I am over-weight. I believe the correct medical term for me is obese. Two years ago, I weighed 317 lbs. My highest weight ever was when I was pregnant, and I topped out at 330. When my ex-husband walked out on me, I got angry. I told myself that I could loose the weight, and it would show him not only what he lost, but that I could survive and more importantly, that I could thrive without him. I joined an online weight loss forum, and began working out 5 days a week. On Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, I would walk for 70 minutes on my treadmill in the basement of my house. On Tuesday & Thursday, I would either do a step aerobics DVD or a weight training DVD. It wasn’t easy, my goodness some days it was hard to get motivated, but I did it.

Unfortunately the time came when I needed to find a job. My ex wasn’t sending any money andhe wasn’t paying the mortgage. When I scored my position at MyCompany™ it required a 3 hour, round trip, daily commute. I would leave at 6am on the dot, and not arrive home again until 7-7:30 in the evening. It was all I could do to eat something reasonably healthy and fall into bed. Needless to say, my exercise regimen suffered and I stopped loosing weight. The good news though, is that I didn’t gain any of it back. I just maintained what I was.

Once I moved down closer to work, and things calmed down, I began walking with one of the girls I work with twice a day. In all honesty, that’s about the only exercise I get. I come home, make dinner, and either browse the ‘net or read a book and then go to bed. I do not lead what you could call an active lifestyle. I had not really changed my eating habits, but I was trying very seriously to take smaller bites, chew thoroughly, and not eat while distracted. No reading or TV watching while I was eating.

A few months ago, my boss started back on to Weight Watchers. She was really excited about the whole experience, and I noticed other people in my department getting inspired by her lifestyle changes. I started to wonder if maybe they weren’t on to something. I spent some time talking to my boss, Deb, and started to get a basic understanding of what the program was all about. When they announced that we would begin offering Weight Watchers classes at work, I ran to get signed up. Unfortunately we fell shy of the requisite 15 people for the program, so they cancelled it. In the meantime, I had put into practice some of the tips I received from Deb, and from my online research.

I haven’t really changed my diet, although I am trying to eat more fruit & veggies, not snack between meals, not to eat after dinner, drink plenty of water, and cook at home more often. I have also been learning Tai Chi Chi Gong on Fridays during my lunch break. This past Friday was my 2nd lesson. I’m not sure if it’s psychosomatic or if the Tai Chi is really working, but on Friday night and Saturday I felt fantastic. I’m looking into also doing family Yoga  on the weekends with Bert®. I think that not only will that reduce my stress levels, it will increase my flexibility, and it’s bonding time with my baby.

I was looking at pictures of myself from 3 years ago, when I was visiting my sister for her college graduation. I was disgusted by the way I had looked back then. I compared those pictures to some more recent ones, and it began to sink in. The things people have said to me over the past few months ran through my head and I began to think: I have lost weight. I look better than I have in years. I still have this mental image in my head of being this frumpy, dumpy fat girl. I wonder if that will ever go away, or if I will always struggle with self image issues? I weighed myself on Tuesday morning and was startled to see the #’s on the scale. I started to realize that I need to be proud of myself for what I have done.

I have lost 70lbs in two years.

For the first time in my adult life, I not only weigh less than 300lbs, but I am now just under 250lbs. I have about 78 more to go to reach my ultimate goal weight of 170 lbs. I am amazed at how easy this all has been. I’m frustrated that I didn’t start this sooner. I’m so proud of myself. There was no surgery, no pills, no magic. Just a little bit of physical activity, and some better eating choices.

I don’t think I will be disappointed if I don’t reach my goal. I have ultimately bettered my health for the long term, and I can work at continuing to maintain my weight loss.

I wanted to share this with everyone, not only because I’m proud of myself, but because anyone can do this. It is never too late to take the steps to a healthier lifestyle.

What do you want to achieve before you die?

I have been thinking about death a lot lately. When I was pregnant with Hailey I was obsessing over details like life insurance, wills, and especially what the game plan would be if something happened to Mike and me. When I started having complications with my pregnancy, I realized that I needed to chill out. All the worrying and planning would only take away from the joy that should have been the birth of my daughter.

After Hailey was born, a frenzy of activity ensued. For those of you who have never had kids, you might not understand how when the line between day and night is blurred because the baby can’t sleep, time has a way of slipping by. Before you know it, 2 or 3 years have passed and you can’t figure out just where all the time went. I’m at that stage now. Hailey is 4. 4!?! How did my 8lb 4oz beautiful baby girl turn into the lovely and precocious preschooler she is now? It seems as though the change was almost instantaneous, although I know it really wasn’t. Now that she’s older and does not demand constant attention, I find my inner reflection once again forcing me to face my own mortality.

From the moment we’re born, we’re are inevitably propelled toward our own demise. We grow and learn and live our crazy lives, just to die at some unknown time. What defines us while we are here? Is it the job we had? The schooling we accomplished? Our children and grandchildren? Or maybe our random acts of kindness to other people or charitable living? I don’t have the answers to those questions. I wish I did though. Somehow I don’t think our lives were intended to be spent working in a menial job making a median income and always just getting by. I do think there are people out there who are so intune with themselves that they just know how to spend their lives. Usually said people live out their lives using their talents to service other members of humankind. I’m not talking about service from a standpoint of waitress, maid, or slave. I’m talking about clergy people, nurses, humanitarians, philantrophists, missionaries, et cetera.

I feel that these people live lives of value. At this time, I don’t feel that I have lived my life in a way that has added value to anyone. Therefore, in my recent life analysis, I have decided that before I die I want to find my purpose. Why was Webmiss sent here? What good can I do here? How can my life add value to the lives of the people around me. There was a line from “Evan Almighty” that stuck with me this weekend.

God: How do we change the world?
Evan Baxter: One single act of random kindness at a time.

I believe that is where I need to start finding out who I am inside and ultimately what my purpose in life shall be. I need to remember that a random act of kindness does not net me any personal or monetary gain. I must give it freely to the other person and not expect any reward in return.

Wish me luck, friends. I’m sure this will not be an easy task but I feel a little more centered for having realized a goal in my life that needs to be accomplished. Before you go, please tell me, what do you want to achieve before you die?