I haven’t blogged in almost a month. I cannot believe how quickly time is slipping away from me. So much has changed in a short amount of time. I just don’t have the time or energy to write anymore, a fact that disappoints and depresses me. A few short months ago, blogging was so cathartic for me. There was so much pain inside me, from all the things that seemed to come crashing down on me at the same time. My blog, and all the people I met through my blog helped me to sort things out, encouraged me, gave me amazing advice and supported me through the good and bad.
The people that I have met through my blog are amazing. I feel like I’ve known some of you for years, that we’re comfortable old friends who catch up over a nice cup of tea. I feel like you care, about the things that are going on in my life. I regret that I have slipped off the map so to speak, and have become so out of touch with everything that has happened. I’m going to try and make time every night, to read and comment, and maybe even write a little about what’s been happening around here.
One of my previous posts in March was detailing my adventures in dating. As things progressed with Piano Man, I started to realize that the relationship was not what I wanted. He was incredibly unreliable, our plans would change at a moments notice. He was dedicated to his music, but would get easily distracted. He smoked, cigarettes and marijuana. He was extremely jealous and suspicious, and he would get very depressed and shut everyone and everything out. It was more than I felt capable of dealing with.
I called Piano Man one day, to let him know that I didn’t want to see him any longer. That was the first time I’ve ever had to break up with someone. Usually I am the dump-ee. It was not a comfortable situation to be in, and honestly PM didn’t make it any easier for me. He hung up on me, begged, pleaded, sent me a very nasty email. He called me just to tell me he was angry at me, then he would hang up and call back acting like nothing had happened. He even had the nerve to tell me that one day he hoped I would realize. I said “Realize what?” He said, “How much you love me, I know that you do.” That was kind of the straw that broke the camels back. Even if I had the slightest feeling of wanting to take him back, how he handled the entire break up would have changed my mind. When I think back on it now, I realize that I made the right decision. Piano Man was not the right person for me to be with.
I was a bad date and never called or emailed Cinderella Man again. I need to remember that I should be treating the people I’m dating, the way I would want to be treated. I would have hated it if someone I thought I’d had a great date with never called me or contacted me to even say thanks, but no thanks. It was rude of me to just leave him hanging like that. All this dating stuff is still new to me. I’m not trying to make excuses, well maybe just a few, but in the future I will try and handle situations like that better.
Mr. Nascar and I started speaking on the phone every night about two months ago. We had a couple more very fun dates, and I really began enjoying the time that we spent together. We talked it over several times, and I decided that I would let Bert® meet Mr. N. We decided on bowling, which was a smashing success. Mr. N has never been married and has no kids, but he’s terrific with kids. He was very protective of her, getting her bowling ball for her, and I think he panicked almost as much as I did when she disappeared for a few minutes at the alley. I was impressed, but extremely nervous about how it would go forward from there. Mr. N came back to the apartment afterward and had dinner with us, he read Bert® a story, and then I put her to bed. We watched a movie, chatted for awhile, and made plans for the weekend. I thanked him for being patient with me, and for being willing to take things slowly. He smiled, kissed me, and said he should probably head home.
Things have progressed from there. We don’t have any official labels for each other, we’re just taking it one day at a time. We call each other about 2-3 times a day, and spend most every weekend together. Bert® adores him, and he adores her. I’ve watched him get down on the floor and play Barbies with her, he helped her put a puzzle together, let her do his hair. There isn’t anything that Mr. N wouldn’t do for her. He pushes her on the swing at the park, carries her on his shoulders, buys her little treats. I’m not sure who he likes more, me or Bert®!
I really like Mr. Nascar, but I’m so afraid. I’m afraid that things are going too well and they will shortly be blowing up in my face. I worry that Bert® will get hurt. I’m worried that I’ll get hurt. He’s mentioned possibly moving back to Florida in the near future, and he says he’s still trying to get on the Nascar circuit. I don’t want him to give those things up for me & Bert®, but I also worry about getting heavily involved with someone who wants to spend 40 out of 52 weeks travelling. I worry too much.
As we were laying in bed the other night, we were talking quietly waiting for sleep to over take us. I cannot remember what I had said, but Mr.N’s response was “Well I was thinking that I might stick around for awhile, if that’s ok with you.” I can be kind of a sacrastic ass sometimes so I said, “No, you have to leave. Now!” I laughed and cuddled up to him, “I like you, Mr. N”. “I’m kind of fond of you too, Webmiss” he replied. At that point, I made kind of a gagging sound in a joking manner. I guess I just wish I knew what exactly was going on in his head. He’s met two of my friends, he’s met my child. I’ve met his roommate and some of the guys he works moving jobs with. We’ve stayed at each others houses. I guess I just would like things to be a little more defined. Do I continue to date other people? Are we ready to draw the lines and consider ourselves exclusive? Why is this all so bloody hard?
So there you have it folks, I will admit that I have been a bad blogger, and equally bad friend because I have been so caught up in my own love life. I’m pathetic. I’m scum.
Can you forgive me?
